This is who I’ve become. An introspective adult. Sometimes I hide behind a facade. I’m happy. No, am sad. Wait, could I be both? Who and what defines me? My work, love life, career, children, background, friends, financial success?
I found myself asking this question in my late thirties because there is so much changing and ‘morphing’ we put ourselves through…sometimes to fit in. Sometimes from love, fear or retaliation. But whom are we loving or hating on? What is it about me that I simply accept and just love? Why must I hate any part of myself? Inherently, I give out what I perceive of myself. If scared, I hide. If loving, I open up to experience the beauty of it all. If angry, I would lash out, wouldn’t I?
So why not just love myself?
And who taught me that I could avenge? Or retaliate? Why not give better back?
Recently, I have thought long and hard about people I misjudged. People I condemned to the hog heap of hell. People I distanced myself from because I felt I had no energy or time for them. I called it ‘guarding my space’. It was too much energy having to engage. Didn’t bother to even see or hear their explanations. In my view, wasn’t worth the time.
Now, in hindsight, I listen more. I jump to conclusions less quickly. I count to ten…literally, if a situation arises that irks me. I actually find myself asking (in the midst of the ‘crisis’…what is the best course of action here? What are the likely consequences if I do this or that? Can I live with those repercussions?
Then I watch those consequences in my mind’s eye, past and present.
I have evolved. I have come a loong way. My responses are more measured…cautious…weighed. Some conclusions cannot be avoided. I have stopped berating myself about it. Some I walked away from, unscathed. Some, I wasn’t so lucky. The scars remind me of my humanity. Can I perhaps extend mercy and grace now?
Time will tell…
Photo credit: Micheal Wu
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Christine is passionate about working with high achieving women who are not where they want to be. She teaches them how to communicate with Confidence and Clarity towards Personal Fulfillment, Living Passionately and impacting their world. An Events Management Consultant and Motivational Speaker, she is an avid reader and enjoys making friends, travelling, the theatrical arts and cookery. "Entertainia" is her middle name...