Dear Diary,

Here I am sitting in the darkness trying to type. I have to say though, it’s pretty nice sitting around trying to play scrabble with some really cool people, squinting in the candle light to see the letters on the old tiles. Actually, they’re playing and I’m lounging. Kenyan style. In the dark

Seriously though, how was your week? Mine was interesting, as usual. Here’s the thing on my mind though: A non-Kenyan male friend recently shared with me that the word on the street is…are you ready? “Kenyan girls are cheap.” Whaaaa???!!!?!?!? I’ve gotta say I got a bit defensive about that, for all of 5 seconds. He was kind enough to let me in on why Kenyan girls have such a nasty reputation. According to him, if they (the girls/females) think that you might have money and/or you’re a foreigner, then they’re willing to give up what they think the man wants. OUCH! Since that very painful conversation, I’ve tried to look at things from the male perspective and I have to admit that it’s not looking good. Ladies, is this true?!?! Continue Reading »

If you had the option of choosing what precise moment you prefer to die, what would your choice be? Most of us would probably say just after going for confession. Let’s face it; none of us likes the idea of paying for our sins, right? Sins by definition are everything your mama and your pastor or priest have told you not to do, but which for some obscure reason appear infinitely more appealing than the good deeds. But what to do? It is what it is, right? Ok, enough of that.

One of the Sins I was repeatedly admonished against as I grew up was ‘Girls’. I’m serious. My list of the top ten sins to avoid had ‘Girls’ leading at first position by a colossal margin. Precisely put, I remember such assertions as ‘Achana na hawa wasichana’, ‘Wasichana watakuharibia maisha’, and my favourite one, frantically delivered just before I left for campus, ‘Ukiwaona, toka mbio!’.

It came as a complete surprise to me when my Paps raised this issue for the first time, during one of our scant-but-still-scary father-son bonding sessions. Turns out ‘Girls’ wasn’t a sin; and that’s how ‘Girls’ lost the singles quotes. “Girls are good”, he said. “But not now”, he concluded with finality. According to Paps, I had to finish my schooling first before I earned any rights to Girls. Girls would distract me from achieving his dream of fathering the first ‘A’ material in our village. Nothing was going to come between me and his social bragging rights, nothing!!

In the face of this maze of declarations regarding this mysterious opposite sex, who would blame me for being increasingly curious? Thus I began staring. Continue Reading »

I have endeavored to keep account mainly about child upbringing and single parenthood to date. However, today I will digress and talk about men and the current lack of chivalry among them.

So much is being said about us women having become so easy to get, loose, immoral etc. However, for every action, there is a reaction. Men today have no qualms about lamenting on and on about how women have worn trousers and taken up their roles.

Harken men! This is a sign that you have so failed to do your bit, that woman- the ever efficient multitasking person- has decided to also do your share of the work; in order to keep the race moving at the rate it should. Surely I imagine, if we women did not take up some of our male roles, earning, child upbringing, decision making, paid manual labor etc, our species would be underdeveloped and maybe under fear of being overtaken by aliens or wild animals. Just my two cents.

Traditionally, men were supposed to hunt, gather food, protect, instruct and guide the woman in family matters. Tradition flew out the window, when men replaced brains with brawn. Continue Reading »

Dear Diary,

What a rough, weird and interesting week! I’ll skip the rough and interesting and go right to the weird. I met a guy. Nothing weird about that, right? So how come in our first conversation he asked for my number so that he can “flash me” so I can call him back? This was right after he implied that I was fat (gasp!) Still need to be convinced diary? How about this? By the next conversation – and by next I mean second – he referred to me as his girlfriend and insisted on it! Ohhhh dear diary but there’s more. By our third conversation he insisted on referring to me as his wife! WHAAAAAA??? Is he crazy?

Ok, I know what you’re thinking: he was probably joking…nothing serious…meant no harm…don’t take these things too seriously…blah blah blah. I admit that maybe I was getting abit too serious about it but still; don’t you think it’s a tad much to be talking like that to someone he barely knows? We haven’t even been on a first date for goodness sakes! Well, I knew it’d take some convincing for you to see this my way so here’s the last straw for me.

During our last conversation, he actually said – OUT LOUD – “oohhhh, you sound horny!” Dear diary, are your eyes bulging out of their sockets yet? Did you just throw up a little in your mouth? Feel any disgust? Well, I did! That was the last straw, especially after he repeated himself twice. Dear Diary, I’m done with this weirdo. Count me out! Next! Continue Reading »

The season of giving is finally here! Well, at least for me. A time to sow what I shall hopefully reap before Christmas comes around. Boy, do I dread Valentine’s Day.

I’m not much of a genius when it comes to relationships and romance. This probably explains why I have never in my dating life, celebrated two consecutive Valentines with the same love bird. Of course when my friends inquire about this statistic, I proudly declare that there are too many bird species in the wild for me to hold on to one for too long. I then boastfully add that if not for the stringent rules governing the Guinness book of World Records, I should have already broken some record related to the most number of women dated in a year. Then I order another round of drinks to that effect. Continue Reading »

The male species is classified into two; E.N.B.s (Evil Narcissistic Bastard) and F.M.I.s (Faithful Men of Integrity). The E.N.B. is a mutated part of the male species and exhibits the following characteristics:-

• He’s extremely selfish and doesn’t care how much hurt he inflicts.
• He greedily feeds on anything that barely resembles a member of the female species.
• He’s physically, emotionally and financially abusive to the female species.
• He’s irresponsible and can abandon his family at the drop of a pair of panties.
• He thinks it’s his God-given right to continue his repugnant behaviour until he drops dead from sex-exhaustion.

NB: It’s important to note that not all members of the male species are E.N.B.s. However, the rotten species has afflicted the rest of the male species and may soon lead to the extinction of the F.M.I.s. Continue Reading »

Kamau is attracted to a woman named Diana. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Diana, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

“Really!?” exclaims Kamau.

And then there is silence in the car. To Diana, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: “I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he isn’t ready for, or isn’t sure of yet.”

And Kamau is thinking: “Gosh. Six months!”

And Diana is thinking: “But, hey, I’m not so sure what kind of relationship this is, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know Kamau that well?”

And Kamau is thinking: . . . “so that means it was . . . let’s see . …February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means . . . let me check the odometer . . .Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!” Continue Reading »

I heard that quote on Isidingo, and it got me thinking. At the end of the day, despite feminism, liberalism, and all the other -isms, the average man still prefers to catch his own meat. Never mind that once they catch it, they take a bite, get bored, and look for new prey. As one man said on Nini’s show, “It’s like a dog chasing a cat. What does it do with it once it catches it?”

The thrill, apparently, is in the chase. So, logically, if you want to keep enjoying the attention, chocolate, late night calls and general adoration, well girls, don’t get caught. Which goes back to playing hard to get. This is a classic case of FCT – Fox Chasing Tail.

Now mind you, here I refer to the average man. There are a few men out there who don’t mind having girls chase them. And there a lots of above-average women who are actually willing to chase! But until we can consistently get these exceptional people in the same time frame, we have to play by everyone else’s (average) rules. Guys chase, gilrs run, guys catch girls, guys get bored and chase other girls. Continue Reading »

The groom and his family has it only slightly easier when it comes to wedding preparations. For one thing, they have to pay dowry. And for another, they have to sponsor the religious ceremony and the reception.

The actual wedding is done at a church, mosque, or government office, followed by a photo session. Wedding ceremonies are usually performed after midday, while the late afternoon is dedicated to photos, leaving the evening free for the wedding reception, which is also hosted by the man’s family, and also comes with the champagne, speeches, and wedding cake. And gifts.

Generally, the budget for a marriage is met by … the guests. When an acquaintance is getting married, they will give you a wedding invitation. If your friend is the groom, you will receive a invite to the wedding and reception, while friends of the bride will receive invites to the Kitchen Party and Send-off.

The card requests that you contribute towards the cost of the wedding, and sometimes [but not always] suggests the minimum amount that you are expected to contribute. This figure is decided during vikao – wedding committee meetings where the budget and other matters are decided. As a general rule, if you do not meet the minimum contribution, you may not attend the festivities.

Contributing to the cost, however, does not exempt you from bringing gifts. Continue Reading »

A phenomenon that I have always heard about recently came knocking at my door. I never used to believe the “rumors” that guys go to church to look for nice Christian girls to marry or date or whatever, well, that was until it happened to me.

See, I am your average church girl. I grew up in church, I go to church, I am involved in church, I talk about church…really, I am a church girl.

This is not necessarily a good thing, according to some. Family members and random acquaintances used to warn me…as much as you go to church, watch out for those church men.

Huh?

Why?

I have never dated one and the guys I have dated or “dated” have never been church guys. And granted, they were nothing to write home about, many hurt me and with many I found out we had nothing in common and nothing worth building a future on, after all the pixie dust and starry eyes had worn off and grown dim.

So what could be worse, church guys? I think not!

Anyway, so I met a church guy. Boy, was I excited! Finally I get to meet someone who speaks my language!

NOT! Continue Reading »