If you had the option of choosing what precise moment you prefer to die, what would your choice be? Most of us would probably say just after going for confession. Let’s face it; none of us likes the idea of paying for our sins, right? Sins by definition are everything your mama and your pastor or priest have told you not to do, but which for some obscure reason appear infinitely more appealing than the good deeds. But what to do? It is what it is, right? Ok, enough of that.

One of the Sins I was repeatedly admonished against as I grew up was ‘Girls’. I’m serious. My list of the top ten sins to avoid had ‘Girls’ leading at first position by a colossal margin. Precisely put, I remember such assertions as ‘Achana na hawa wasichana’, ‘Wasichana watakuharibia maisha’, and my favourite one, frantically delivered just before I left for campus, ‘Ukiwaona, toka mbio!’.

It came as a complete surprise to me when my Paps raised this issue for the first time, during one of our scant-but-still-scary father-son bonding sessions. Turns out ‘Girls’ wasn’t a sin; and that’s how ‘Girls’ lost the singles quotes. “Girls are good”, he said. “But not now”, he concluded with finality. According to Paps, I had to finish my schooling first before I earned any rights to Girls. Girls would distract me from achieving his dream of fathering the first ‘A’ material in our village. Nothing was going to come between me and his social bragging rights, nothing!!

In the face of this maze of declarations regarding this mysterious opposite sex, who would blame me for being increasingly curious? Thus I began staring. Continue Reading »

The season of giving is finally here! Well, at least for me. A time to sow what I shall hopefully reap before Christmas comes around. Boy, do I dread Valentine’s Day.

I’m not much of a genius when it comes to relationships and romance. This probably explains why I have never in my dating life, celebrated two consecutive Valentines with the same love bird. Of course when my friends inquire about this statistic, I proudly declare that there are too many bird species in the wild for me to hold on to one for too long. I then boastfully add that if not for the stringent rules governing the Guinness book of World Records, I should have already broken some record related to the most number of women dated in a year. Then I order another round of drinks to that effect. Continue Reading »

Kamau is attracted to a woman named Diana. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Diana, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

“Really!?” exclaims Kamau.

And then there is silence in the car. To Diana, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: “I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he isn’t ready for, or isn’t sure of yet.”

And Kamau is thinking: “Gosh. Six months!”

And Diana is thinking: “But, hey, I’m not so sure what kind of relationship this is, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know Kamau that well?”

And Kamau is thinking: . . . “so that means it was . . . let’s see . …February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means . . . let me check the odometer . . .Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!” Continue Reading »

A cynical friend of mine, whose company I have to endure every once in a while due to social obligations, bears strong convictions against the whole assortment of religious beliefs, and most notably Christian beliefs. In his self proclaimed wisdom, humans have an insatiable need to feel important and wanted. He says this explains every human act, much like the Freudian theory about human behavior and sex, but that’s a story for another day.

You see, my cynical friend has concocted a conspiracy theory, in which he claims that a very brilliant mind realized at one point in history, that the key to universal dominion wasn’t in amassing weapons, arming hundreds of thousands of country boys and heading out to conquer one kingdom after another. That had already been tried and proven to be a futile endeavor by the Romans et al.

No, he realized that what drove even the Romans to try conquering the world was the search for meaning, for a purpose, for a reason to live. The only way to gain true supremacy was to fill this void, or at least provide a shadow that would act as a symbol of destiny, and if he could somehow get the whole world to chase this shadow, then only one thing would be left to complete the puzzle. He would present himself as the key, the answer to this question of destiny. Of course no one can ever catch a shadow, but in our earnest desire for attaining the unknown, we have been blinded to this reality. Thus we keep chasing and chasing, and this brilliant composer of the symphony of faith becomes more and more powerful as generation after generation passes, all in search of the same false ideal. Or so my cynical friend claims. Continue Reading »

Yasmin wasn’t short as I had imagined, but surprisingly her height lingered just shy of being top model material. I mean, if she took two steps closer, pressed her body close to mine, and tilted her head slightly upwards, we would undoubtedly engage in the most passionate of French kisses without either of us straining to maintain contact. As I eased forward for a handshake, my gentleman character feeblyhanging in the balance, her face lit up to pave way for a playful girlish chuckle. The fact that her lower lip curved just enough to give a glimpse of her snowy white teeth was more than I could bear. And her hair, oh her hair (it wasn’t a weave; I verified this many times thereafter), long, rich, and dark enough to complement her fair spotless chocolate skin. Did I mention that she wore a tight fitting trouser suit whose coat left sufficient room for subtle flirtation with her perfectly held together bosom? Thank God for bras! I couldn’t help but wonder how many client accounts she had won by merely bending to pick a pen she had ‘accidentally’ dropped.

“Yasmin? I wish!” She sighed, obviously amused, as she walked past me, an inviting perfume scent trailing her, and placed my coffee on the table. Even in this eerie moment, the man in me noticed that she looked just as amazing from behind.

“Uhm, excuse me?” I asked, barely choking on my words. Continue Reading »

It was a dull Thursday evening, the day had been one painfully long dull stretch, the weather was bleak, the trees were not swaying gracefully as always, the birds seemed to have gone on a chirping strike. It was basically one of those days when even the slightest of disappointments makes you want to kill yourself. And I told myself that if nothing exciting were to happen before I retired to bed that night, I would permanently erase this day from my calendar, my year would be 364 and a quarter days, and I would celebrate New Year on 31st of December in protest.

Little did I know that out of this dreary day, the best, yet most tragic love story of my life so far would emanate. It all started as an innocent phone call on my cell from an unfamiliar number. I picked, murmured a languid hello wondering which despicable creature would think of calling me after work hours.

“Hello, is this Lawrence?”

I have heard many female voices in my short life, but the one echoing through my head at this particular moment was possibly the sweetest of them all. Soft but firm, sweet yet alert, sexy and confident with a trace of shyness in a very sophisticated combination that I doubt I will ever encounter again. In a split second my mind was alert, my heart switched gears to the throbbing reverse equivalent, my eyes remained transfixed on the electric pole I had been pondering about and to make matters worse, my throat went dry. Continue Reading »

For decades men have tried to understand women, and find a fitting way to describe all their strange and crude tendencies to no avail. Eventually, I guess we decided to resort to similes to help in this futile attempt. I picked up the 20 best ‘women are like…’s from the many drunken discussions I have had with my fellow men and decided to share them with you. Enjoy.

1. Women are like silent men. You think they’re listening. Surprise!! They are not!!
2. Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
3. Women are like wealth, if they didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
4. Women are like cars, men really prefer them reasonably attractive; they go after the sensational ones to impress other men. Continue Reading »

I was surprised to find out that someone had actually figured out what some words in the feminine vocabulary mean. Ladies, please confirm the descriptions below in the comments.

• Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
• Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
• Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means “something” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘”Nothing” usually end in “Fine.”
• Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it!
• Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
• That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s
• Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
• Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
• Whatever: It’s a woman’s way of saying #@*! YOU!

Allow me to repeat this admonition, we are not DOGS! I have read many articles, heard many talk shows, listened to my female counterparts yap their voices hoarse, even heard the tirades of women who just walked in on their knights mounting stray horses. The passion and determination with which such women brand men as dogs is appalling in the least.

I personally hold great contempt at the mere thought of being compared to a third rate creature that poops with little regard for location, yells in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, drools shamelessly at the sight of fatty meat and is doomed for eternity to hold the position of servant to whoever can provide it with the requisite meals each day. I am actually yet to reconcile the sexual orientation of dogs and those men who have erred in their ways and hence earned us this demeaning title. Why dogs? Why not cheetahs, or lions, or leopards? As far as my knowledge of biology goes, all these cats have similar mating patterns. So, seriously, why dogs!!? Continue Reading »

Let’s start with the things you say. I have been with my fair share of women, probably other people’s fair share as well thanks to a few God given gifts. One of the biggest problems I have had are the things that come out of your vocal chords when either at the heat of the moment, in the face of competition, when your girlfriends insinuate that he doesn’t love you anymore and in many other such situations. So here is a simple list which any blonde should be able to grasp at a moment’s glance. It is important for you to realize that just as you interpret the things we say in a bizarrely differing ways, so do we. And its not intentional, or vengeance for all the trauma you’ve caused us, its simply the male psychology.

So where is this going?
If we haven’t asked you out, there is only one possible explanation, we are not ready yet. As for your question, it was heading somewhere until you said these 5 killer words. We are slow by nature, we don’t like to be rushed, and we really hate it when you try to take control of the situation. Just let us do it our way. And if you are tired of waiting, well, move on! Who’s holding
you back? Continue Reading »