My great grandmother lived not very long ago. She was a newly wed girl when the first world war begun. Most African womenfolk did not know or wear inner wear back then. These were mostly introduced as bloomers for school girls when the white man came. This shows just how new to Africa this panty, bikini, boxer and bra business is. We still have a lot of women in rural arrears not accustomed to wearing anything remotely conventional. In other places, a loose covering is used to keep the privates clean and dainty, not tightly covered. Innerwear comes in various forms and names. Some cover during the day, others are convenience pieces meant strictly to be seen by a suitor, to arouse and to be removed. Others are designed to cover a deficit or create a different look from that which is natural for beauty purposes. Yet others are medically designed for a fit with a therapeutic result.

Miss D is unlike me in this matter. I elect to wear stuff that covers me lower waist to upper thigh. Any more brief and it will slip off and keep me in discomfort. These types are known as “Mother’s Union”. .Miss D on the other hand, wears her briefs as spelt- brief. Thankfully, she accepts my request to keep a few full pieces for that time of the month when we need something to hold a pad. Just a note, I discourage inserted padding for periods. They are unhealthy and a known cause for cancer. You must let the period flow out freely. Most brief briefs cannot hold pads, especially bikinis and thongs.

Sonny too, doesn’t wear the conventional men’s innerwear. (Anyone remember the famous multi-colored Double O seven men’s innerwear from the late seventies?) He delights in wearing shorts and boxers. I was so skeptical about this until my baby explained that boys/men feel nice with their mizigo (privates) hanging free and loose. Ahem. Ahem. It figures. So on hot days, the boys wear a loose cloth tied around the waist. They will don this, plus a light shirt or vest.

I fight a lot with Miss D about bra cleaning. On a sad note, I hope those Barbarians in Somalia will end their bra ban and accompanied inhumane treatment on women found wearing bras .Google the same for details- pathetic. So to continue, Miss D wears under wired bras. The wiring helps hold up our bigger and heavier busts properly and push up if we need to emphasize the cleavage. Unfortunately, under wired bras are nightmares to clean when one is doing hand washing. Thus, I remove the wiring. Then I redo the bras to enable easy removal and re-attachment of the under wire after washing.

A well fitting bra gives one freedom of choice of dress comfort and security to undertake all tasks without fear of injury. A woman without a bra is in fear of hurting herself while doing physically exerting working using the full arm. Plus, she has better option of maintaining her bust in a beautiful and upright state longer if she regularly wears a well fitting bra. During breastfeeding, the bra helps prevent milk from bursting forth or seeping into clothes. Once it coagulates, it becomes a messy, smelly affair. This can be of extreme discomfort to the mother, a health hazard for the child and of concern to others around them .A bra is not just innerwear; it is a necessity to a woman- any woman in this modern day.

As a family, we hang out our briefs to dry out in the sun alongside bathing towels. It is habit. In rainy weather, we will use a pegged contraption to drip dry the innerwear in the bathroom which is well aired. The local way for villagers and some people living in towns who still think in a village manner of mind, is to place wet underwear under the mattress. In case you are wondering why, this is meant to dry the offending garment away from prying eyes. What a laugh. It is a high time this was publicly discouraged. Any cloth or material coming within reach of, or intended to cover the private parts, must be clean and far from risk of spreading infections or vermin to that area. Innerwear must be dried out and aired.

The private parts must be kept clean too. Girls need to be taught thoroughly well how to do this. I have had the dishonor of meeting grown women who believe innerwear must be kept in a bucket or basket and piled for the week and then washed all in one day. What a crying shame, the audacity to wear a garment the whole day and dump it as laundry is disgusting. It is fact that we sometimes have discharges of one sort or another and when this dampens innerwear and to the leave it a whole week is plain distasteful. Doesn’t matter what the circumstances are. Sometimes, a woman will plain forget to carry some liners and accidents can and do happen absolutely not related to periods. My opinion. Some of these behaviors we women practice as habit, just keep the men at bay. Especially, if someone else does your laundry.

Flea markets are fast coming up as suppliers of used innerwear from all fashion brands. No longer is it impossible to find good fitting, neat looking innerwear. It is totally inexcusable for anyone to hang out or be seen in torn, worn and ill fitting innerwear. Surely, surely, not with all available options of style, price and design? Local manufacturers have also undertaken to create fashionable pieces at all rates and comforts for every pocket.

It is important that children are taught within good time, how to handle this innerwear and privates business. They should know their importance, relevance and right usage. Later, they will appreciate handling the buying, wearing, washing, storage and other uses for it. These private matters if incorrectly handled in childhood can affect one in early adulthood. Whether due to neglect or ignorance, poor knowledge and neatness in this quarters, may cause a young adult a lot of unnecessary shame and embarrassment

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These are the dreams upon which we all hope to make a foundation when young. How our parents and guardians view these dreams and guide us in shaping them, determines what we actually become in life. My journey is far from over with guidance and parenting. I still have these few years-; Insha Allah – to ensure that I am able to get Miss D and Sonny through college. My Baby is lucky, having an insurance that will cater for his secondary and college tuition. Towards this end, I encourage Miss D to pursue her dream. I instill upon her the fact that if she wills it, and works towards, and prays for it, it shall come to be.

It was not always so easy with Miss D. My move with my three loves away from mother Kenya, affected her a bit. She being a bit older, lost many friends. Then I went through a troublesome patch in my life, caused by envious colleagues, who thought no foreigner should excel them in their home turf. I have had the terrible misfortune of working with people who were not only envious and afraid of my zeal to perform and excel, but who acted with total impunity to curtail my success. It boils down to bad parenting. I know they did not know better, or they would have acted better.

Miss D had to repeat a class to catch up with the foreign education curriculum. She had started school early, so I saw no problem with this. She soon caught up , being an A student. Soon thereafter, I got My Baby and Miss D settled. The baby was such a welcome change. A happy healthy bouncy and exciting boy. A baby brings magic into a home, and this was the one thing that brightened our home in those first hard months of living away from home.

Miss D had no problems with school. But she matured early. She just upped and grew a bust and got height and became sexually aware of herself at the tender age of twelve. She was what would be called an early bud. Parenting is tough work, and here I got a new job. I became so very afraid for my girl. Men noticed her, boys looked at her and other girls at school got into catfights with her. She is a warrior my Miss D. You will not put her down. You just will not. ( I wonder whom she gets that from ? )

I brought up my three loves to know that you have to stand up for your rights at all costs. Miss D stood for hers at school, at her clubs, at home and in her attitude. Luckily, she also had leadership qualities and so applied a lot of reason in her arguments.

I have on very few occasions in my life conceded to defeat. I am a spirited fighter. Correction– used to be. Now the fight is going out of me. I am older wiser, and weary.

I took out time to seek my mother (R.I.P) and asked her to help me out with Miss D.

Please take heart if you are a mother of a teen or preteen girl. It does happen that they can forget their P’s and Q’s. Miss D was unmanageable. She fought me back, fought Sonny, and was generally angry with life. It was puberty gone ripe and bad. Now I am older, I know it was an absolutely normal metamorphosis from childhood to teen age hood. Miss D and her brothers, were my mother’s cherished apples. I am yet to understand this grandmother/grandchild bond. Maybe , maybe, if God willing I get there, I will know what cuts. It has always been the same with me. Nobody has my love and undivided devotion as much as my grandmother.

I admitted having failed to ably handle and chasten Miss D. Her grandmother took this in stride and gently put her under her wing from completion of primary, to her first year of secondary school. That short period that she took her under her care, Miss D turned back into my beloved daughter. My happy, chatty, loving baby girl. I cannot stop being in reverence of having had an angel for a mother.

A mother’s responsibility to a girl, is to bring her up as a lady. Well behaved in public and especially in private, mindful of household duties and protocols (we are Africans in a modern world, but still African) and with understanding that destiny lies in her outlook and attitude. I kept my door open for Miss D even through our fiercest fights. I let her know she was not just my beloved daughter but girlfriend and confidante. I encouraged her to be open about her boy/girl relationships, and successfully took her through her first heartbreak at thirteen!

So on one hand Miss D was too much for me to handle, and I accepted it. Her father’s (R.I.P) absence in our lives played a part in her rebellion. In this specific period, she wished for his presence in our lives so much, but in vain.

In the December that Miss D’s results were set to be released, her father passed away. It was a sad year. Soon after, their grandmother was struck with a cancer that would eventually claim her. ”Gramma” as my loves fondly called her or “”guku”,  had helped me easily sail through my hardest years with Miss D.

I see her wisdom , her smile and charm, in my daughter now. Miss D has blossomed into a lovely lady full of charisma and tact. She still refuses to bow down to defeat. So much of our courage and empathy is in her. I cannot help but be so proud, so awed by this woman/child. Acting as guide and counselor, she now utilizes those same traits, to improve upon lives of the less fortunate, as she forges ahead with her studies.

Befriend your little girl. Taking her through her P’s and Q’s may task you to the limit, but it is all that will endear her to you when she blossoms to womanhood. We all need her close by us. Hold her tenderly, let her bud in grace and understanding.

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Take love for instance. I used to swear by my love of chicken, that I would “never ever” marry a certain type of man from a certain part of the country. I was young and had that confidence to yap about never ever doing this and that. Later I had the kids, and I declared that I would bring them up under certain conditions only. Either that or nothing. Hahaha…little did I know just how unpredictable life could get.

I did cater for my children in many ways that I had planned for, but sometimes, I just realized I was headed the wrong way at the wrong times, and changed course and reason. I realized that it is not for nothing that we are asked to touch wood and hope. Life can literally stop you in your tracks until you perform an act you’d sworn never to do. Then normalcy resumes and you understand why we are warned never to say “never”.

At my age, I have gotten to a point where I never say I wouldn’t ever, ever do this or that. I have discovered that we just do not know when we might be caught up in circumstance that demand we behave in a manner we never considered as an option.

I now live not just my life, but also oversee the lives of others. I cannot wholly control their lives, but to a great extend I do. As children grow older, they create their own personalities which may differ from ours. It is wrong, for us guardians and parents to swear by them. We can only guide them away from what we think as not right, and then leave them to make independent decisions. They have to choose how to behave and react to situations, on their own.

My older two are a tad more difficult to swear by. Just when I thought they are incapable of doing something like so and so’s children, they would go and surprise me to high heaven. Nevertheless, I have how to take all surprises in stride. They have to do so much to discover their true self, and ultimately it will involve surprising me and others along the way.

While we were yet young girls, my grandmother chastened us against being discriminative and overly critical of other people’s children when they misbehaved. In vernacular we were asked “not to point fingers at the neighbor’s children”. She told us that when you are older, nature will reward you the measure by which you served others in your youth. It was only later when we too had had children that we understood about not pointing fingers. Children will always be children and one can only hope they turn out as well as guided. A child will rebel and go the wrong way, and all that through no fault of the parent or guardian.

I so empathize with people who have grown children who are nothing but trouble! Majority of these kind of social delinquents, do not just change behavior overnight. We can sense a person’s negative tendencies from a younger age. The only thing is that sometimes one is in an environment where the people know their capabilities to do evil or destruction, but before anything can be done to stem this potential, that person moves away. Once this person is an adult, it becomes so much harder to instill discipline in them.

I watch Sonny and Miss D exploit the world and I am amazed at their levels of energy and ability to take risk without a second thought. If ever I was young, I must have suppressed a lot of energy compared to these two.

Nothing adds up to life education like exposure. Exposure and freedom of expression, puts in us common sense and logic. Limited general knowledge just shows a limited exposure and entails a limited life education. I only need look at where my peers with wider exposure to life are, compared to me, to appreciate this fact. Earlier stifling of energies and opportunities has made me that much slower in action and reaction. Take note that exposure comes from travel and allowance of free expression in and out of the house.  It is also gotten through involvement with things and situations alien to your cultural norms.

Growing children need to be let free literally to “get loosed”. I envy residents of developed nations for their curriculums and lifestyles. They allow children space and opportunity to stretch their physical and other abilities to their limits. They do a lot to exhaust their energies. Meanwhile, their counterparts in third world countries, are idle and as a result, prone to abuse.

In the village scenarios at least, farm work chores keep teens and young adults occupied. In urban areas, there is hardly anything to do but sit and create ways of passing time. Here, few can afford pastimes like studies or paid for recreation facilities. Thus majority end up influenced into petty crime and other vices.

It is commendable that some organizations and individuals have contributed to activities for jobless youth and those that have dropped out of school due to financial constraints.

However, more needs to be done. In our selfishness, we often seek for solutions to keep just “my child” out of harms way and better develop him. It is common knowledge that ultimately his idle peers might be his downfall through influence. It comes back to the need for a loving caring society. Your child is as my child or as their child. If we all paused to think this way, we would get lasting solutions for the majority rather than the minority. If we all applied this, there would be less opportunity for anyone to be heard claiming that  …”Mine would never, ever, ever…” anything.

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We get used to lifestyles reflected by our earnings. The more the merrier. The more also, the more extravagance sets in. When you have grown knowing or exposed to living frugally, you are well able to cut costs even drastically, when occasion demands. I know people who have raised sharply from extreme poverty, indeed a life lacking in even bare basics, to be “thrown” into wealth and abundance almost overnight. This too is dangerous. Such people just have no clue about living normal. Thus, if they were thrust back to a lower level of abundance, they might just drop right back to zero because they would not know how to make do.

This is because; spending money wisely is comparable to reading and understanding manuals. It takes time to learn, and this means that you cover various topics step by step. You cannot learn your ABCs and then jump to a level where you can read and understand a medical journal. It is the same with money, before you grasp the nitty gritty of small time budgeting and shopping, you will not understand the intricacies involved in managing a multi million unit account, let alone acquisition or handling of investments of similar grandiose.

So what is frugality?

A vast majority of us lead a frugal life not out of choice, but because it is the better way to survive. Everywhere we have options. The options we elect to follow concerning financial decisions, is a determining factor on to how we later fare in life.
Two people earning the same salary, with an equal number of children and living within the same area might have totally different budget priorities and expenditure. Wife X might be an impulse buyer and wife Z a frugal person, who dare not purchase what, is not budgeted for. I like the Tyra show for what it does to encourage frugality. She continually harps on frugality, encouraging all and sundry to embrace the habit.

“Queen of cheap” as she calls herself, gives clear examples that cheap isn’t always bad, by she herself buying and utilizing completely inexpensive items.

She comes out so true in her many money saving topics. This brings me back to us humans and the options and decisions we make. Whether it is vegetables, clothes, housing, insurance, electronics…whatever the case, you can always get it cheaper elsewhere, without necessarily compromising on quality. Thankfully, it also applies to education!

Brand wars have led many to wrongly believe that cheap is expensive. Well cheaper is an option not usually mentioned, but worth so much when it comes to saving by the pennies and cents.

Just as an example, if I bought my children clothes worth 30,000 units of money, and my neighbor bought hers worth 5,000 units, nobody might notice the difference. And even if they did, it might be of no consequence since all children are clothed and able to go about similar business without being affected by the cost of attire. However, there would be a difference of 25,000 unit’s worth of money, in our two households’ expenditure. If this were to be a competition, I would obviously be 25,000 units worth of points behind!

Before I begun computing my expenses and future plans on paper, I did not realize how much money I wasted on unimportant items. Initially I begun by maintaining receipts and bills and noting down all daily expenditure down to the last penny. At first I would justify my unbudgeted costs as necessary but unplanned for. Eventually though, I realized my folly in this. You cannot argue with reason, I was wasting much needed money on impulse purchases.

When I eventually got expert advice, I got wiser. How lucky for those growing in this age of technology advancement. At a click you can get all the advice on financial matters that actually work. No wonder I had no money! I was younger then and had time to make corrections. Over time, I changed my priorities and needs to suit a budget, while I try to keep as consistent as possible.

By the time I went into marriage and had children, I was pre-planning my life five years ahead financially. If back then I had the internet to get advice and tips from, I would instead have planned forty years ahead and more. This knowledge determined what sort of life my family and I lead today.

Miss D in her late teens now, knows more about handling money than I did when I was years older than her. Starting children early in financial know-how is very important. Every child with a working parent should have an education policy in place, way before they begin school. The parents themselves should have a life policy running, from within their first year of gainful employment.

My ears are shut to any negative comments about this view I hold. It is common proof that a majority of working youth waste most of their earnings. It is sad considering that everything is cheaper the younger you are. Right from clothing, entry fees, premiums, medical requirements and other bills. This list is endless.

Now while they are yet young, I am instilling in my loved ones, skills, tips and means of how to live large on very little. These are the small details, which enable you to live a full, joyful and fun filled life, with enough left over to use another day. I pray that what they will learn now, while still under my loving care, will help them cope later when they face some of life’s, demanding financial situations.

At that time, even if I am unable or too far off to help they pull through, it is my hope that this knowledge will guide them to make wise decisions.

Being children yet, they do have their merits and demerits of my exercising frugality in our home. The young long so much for what is fashionable and common among peers. Their priorities are different from mine now. One cannot hold it against them or any other child. Yet, my duty to them is to impart this knowledge while they have time and opportunity with me.

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I would compare it to bungee jumping for the parent or guardian. Mark that this apprehension and fear if felt not by the young ones setting off to the world, but their parents. This will normally begin when letting children off to college. The fact that you will lose control over what your child is doing, what they may undergo and how they will behave or react to situations , people and places sometimes alien to you too!

These fears are both real and imagined. We must as guardians, learn how to trust children to do the best they can to protect themselves and others. That, and praying for them, is all we should do sometimes. Of course cases apply where there is need for direct and harsh intervention to help children settle into adulthood. This is necessary when we deem them a danger unto themselves and others for one reason or another. In other instances too, intervention may be for the protection and safety of those who are vulnerable like the mentally unwell or very physically impaired.

At some teamwork retreats, there is a game that is played by asking members to get blindfolded and wholly trust their colleagues not to let any harm befall them. This is akin to playing Blind man’s bluff. While blindfolded, you may be asked to fall backwards with arms crossed over your chest, or forward. Either way, it is a test of having blind faith in others. It is all very well when it is a game. In real life though, things are quite different.

All around us, we see people letting their charges slip and fall hard on their faces and backsides as they watch. Yet these same observers have the sworn duty and allegiance to soften or prevent this stumbling. It may be a teacher watching his students regress in their studies without caring to encourage and improve them, It may be a wife watching her husband misuse money and ignoring to guide him, it may be a civic leader failing to advice his subjects on proper care of the environment….and so on. Anyone with a responsibility over others, whether it is by relation or appointment, owes the duty of guiding to prevent ruin or loss. Goes to show that life‘s games are that much harsher. Trust is that much more at stake in real life than at a team building retreat game.

My Sonny is yet young by my judgment, but his time to fly off the coop, has come. I selfishly wish I could hold back the hands of time and delay his departure just a little bit longer. Yet the sooner he learns how to fly, the sooner he will learn how to cope with life in the adult world. I had the same fears for Miss D a year ago. How time flies! Yet now she is going on well. How far we have come!

I will be alone with my baby in a few months. We will periodically see Sonny and Miss D. I should be celebrating Sonny’s graduation to the next level. Growing does not cease. Every new chapter in their lives is a graduation level for me to celebrate them. I should apologize for mopping about the house soon being emptier. Still I am happy that my big boy is now preparing for manhood. All that I have taught him will now be put to test and practice.

Parenting experiences, graduate us level to level. It is a continuous education for all of us. I am lucky to still have my baby to keep me company these few years before he goes to secondary school. I know I will remain busy and on toes ,what with college tuition and other needs for my loves. It is a long journey yet, before Sonny and Miss D are done with college. Until then, they will still be indirectly in my charge, no matter how limited my scope of involvement in their lives will be.

As they mature, I am learning so much from them. I now appreciate friends and relatives who have grown children. I realize as we grow along with my loves, what sheer strength my older friends have had, to put whole families through school and college. Especially since many lived on earnings far less than what we are offered today. I can only imagine what lengths they pushed themselves to, in order to manage.
Be considerate and encouraging, to people you know, who are in these circumstances. Now in my early maturity, (I am yet so young) patience, understanding and humility come to me so easily. Most of these virtues I have acquired as a result of harsh experiences I have undergone in my parenting.

As concerns my brood, I must let myself have this blind faith in their ability to spread their wings and fly. I have set myself free to join in their thrill. I look forward to hearing all about how they did this and that.  I await to share in their successes and accomplishments, their embarrassments and achievements and their many stories about past escapades. In trusting me with their life stories, I will be better able to guide them. This will only be possible if I have an open mind and allow them to make their errors and better decisions without undue interference. Some will be good and some will be bad and yet others will be ugly. Despite this, I am prepared to listen to it all. I shall keep encouraging them positively and helping them up when they stumble or fall. Whatever comes, we shall not fear. The Lord is with us. It will be our joy to share it. Here I go…

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Anyway, the jist of it all, was that she had been privy to an intense gossip session that dwelt on yours truly –me. Apparently, I had over a long period, ruffled feathers of a few friends and now known foes, with my attitude. Yes my girlfriend was party to this gossip, but she felt that as a true friend, the way the accusations were leveled was  biased and undeserved. The topic:- my constant brokenness and money borrowing.

You would be fooled to think, like me, that this was the only topic of this character assassination session. Well, actually it wasn’t. The topic diverted and digressed in importance. According to “girlfie”, there was a shared sentiment among seated members, that I was proud for nothing, haughty without reason, mean with my company-as if I had anything special to offer and that I considered myself too good for the men who unsuccessfully tried to woo me! Plus one or two things I wouldn’t write here.

Through all this revelation of my “beat me down” , I did not say a word. Just the occasional, uhuh, really and oh?…comment. Girlfie ended with “I just felt it was unfair and you ought to know what type of friends you have, me included.” At her completion of the story, all I could think of was that if we had been acting a Swahili movie, as two middle aged khanga clad women, at that point my script would have read:- Sua swathing her khanga afresh over her shoulder and saying” haya basi, habari ndio hiyo eh?” (o.k then, so that’s the news?)

I thought about the characters involved in this session: People I could call friends, but rarely relied on for help of a very personal nature. Short term loans of minor amounts and payable within less than twenty days is not classed in this category. Apart from girlfie, only one other person was known to me longer than 6 years. The rest, were people I occasionally met over a drink, knew bits about their families, and work, but that was all. None other than these two had met my children, knew their names, had visited my house or me theirs, and related with me closely, besides at casual venues.

I am a bad friend. I keep friends for what use they are to me. I don’t clutter my personal life with people not useful to me. So I made an instant decision, to cut out all these people from my life, my facebook, and e-mail and delete their numbers– just like that. These were “new friends” who might not have had an opportunity to know me better or understand me. I believe  that some decisions are only wise if made fast and wholesomely. I did not tell girlfie that. She had been kind enough to let me in on what transpired behind my back.

Was I wrong or right in my actions though? First, it was true I do borrow  money frequently. It is also true that I make effort to repay everybody I borrow from. I actually have only two debts unpaid in my life currently, plus my usual long term bank loan. I borrow in the safety of knowing that I am entering into a private and confidential agreement based on gentleman’s terms. That is why I can borrow again and again and again and still have the same people lend me money. It’s the way Life goes.

Why do I borrow constantly? I am like so many people, employed and facing difficulties fitting basic salary and basic need costs to a perfect fit. I will not use my single parenthood as an excuse here. I am just so placed as to fall short of money before the end of a month, and be in need for a loan, to help me balance my equations in the face of unexpected and unbudgeted for extra costs.Many times, some climb the ladder to become future budgeted needs.

Now at this point, my single parenthood comes in. I have no shame about not being able to balance my earnings and my life.As a single mother, I do the best I can, with my limited education and abilities, plus professional expertise. If I had the required assistance over the years from my in-laws and baby daddy,maybe I would be better placed. Since I did not, I selected a long time ago, to go it the hard but straight way– work and earn a living and live within my means. But, I have sacrificed my share and that of my three loves, to stretch and fit in my parents, sisters, brother and other kin.All this without compromising too much upon the basics and comforts of my three loves especially. Besides this, I have done my bit of Communal social welfare, helping strangers and relatives where I could.

My fate is better than those of so many, lesser placed single mothers, with less or no education, opportunities and/or tact. I also affirm that I have always had the option, to succumb to a relationship that provides worldly goods to me at the expense of my children’s comfort, happiness and self image. In almost all instances, this would be possible with a married man, (or else I would say marriage). I opted to take the road less traveled and work my way through it with my Lord. My faith, hope and undying trust that doing well begets me more good, has kept me going.

My three loves and I, have lacked for so much and yet we have more memories of all the bountiful treats that life has given us in our togetherness. In good times and bad, we prayed and stayed together, and when the bad times were over, we celebrated and still do, together. Miss D, Sonny and I, share the burden of sacrificing privileges, whenever we have debts to pay. We prioritize this as a family, knowing we are lucky enough to live to borrow another day.

So my three loves, through our shared experiences and discussions about finances and budgeting,have come to learn that it is fine to borrow and get your basic priorities met:- food, rent, school and utilities. It is wiser to be in credit with a repayable plan, than to do without, simply because of fear of taking a risk. Experience is the best teacher, and rather than lament that we went through hardship, I thank God that my loves have learnt this through first hand experience.

Also too, that they have had a loving, caring mother to teach them the better way to handle life’s monetary problems and hardship situations.Many do not and it is a pity what disasters they face in life because of financial ignorance. There is no face to lose. Never has been for us. We are and have lived at peace with who we are, what station of life we are at and what other we aim for. No suffering could cause us shame.We have so much to be thankful for.So much that the Lord has bestowed on us!

All of us at one time or other in life, get through hardships. Some faring much worse than others. A lot depends on the guardian, parent or person in charge of guidance. Experience too teaches, but a guiding, loving hand alongside experience, makes it easier. How you handle financial tribulations, sets you up for life to bash you, or prepares you with abilities to outlast tougher times.

I left  those friends behind, and I know I will get new ones. “Old” we are told “is gold”. I cannot lose face with my old friends, because they understand me, because they know me. “To know all, is to understand all” so the old adage goes. The character assassination committee lost a friend- maybe I was never really one in their eyes… I gained a teaching and an experience. Luckily….I have no face to lose.

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Chubby boys will, as a result of all the fat, get breasts. I mean, it just follows that if you are heavy around the torso, that area too will fill– outward. But besides this, Sonny’s father (R.I.P) had had a problem of that kind at the same age, and in his older years, it  reduced but did not go away altogether. He had also had problems with it in teen age hood, to the extend of shunning sports because t-shirts then were made with such material that exposed nipples. We do bring up our boys with terrible manners in Kenya. This bullying issue is sadistic but inbred in many men from boyhood, as a “manly” and acceptable type of behavior.

Anyway, my Sonny would not rest. He wanted to do sit ups, weight lifting, whatever he could, to burn the flab as fast as he could. However, his age would not permit him to tire himself senseless. This desire to look masculine would not leave him. So I sat him down and explained that he would grow out of it. I even brought him printouts from work, which  explained that this was such a normal phenomenon among boys his age, the world over. I also explained that sometimes if it was extreme, an operation or hormonal treatment was done, to reduce the breast size permanently. This calmed him down. I then made printouts and bought him books about the development of the body of a young man. We discussed and laughed about various changes he and My Baby would have, as they grew into teen age hood.

At that time, both were young and it was all a funny topic. Breaking voices, growing beards, being shy in girls’ presence, chasing girls later, getting all hairy all over….all these were jokes then. We took to looking at slightly older teen relatives and neighbors, and noting what processes they were going through. Believe me, it was funny. These are some of the wonderful moments I have had, in the wonderment of growing with my loves.

At thirteen, Sonny joined secondary school and for the first time lived away from me. It was traumatic. We were all unhappy, despite the fact that it was a national school back home and that really the environment was healthy. Still, Sonny underwent some bullying which is the norm in Kenyan secondary schools. Sonny was used to an environment that had empathy, love , kindness and understanding. He was now faced with people that did not honor empathy, kindness and understanding, nor care about love too much. What are we breeding? Not little gentlemen that’s for sure. No wonder Kenyan men are getting known for being beastly!

A mother has to be patient and understanding and very prayerful when she has growing boys. They are susceptible to so much bad influence. So I wrote Sonny frequently, ensured he had loads of money and goodies, entreated him to keep his faith and hopes high….all that I thought would alleviate his fears and worries.

The damage though, was done. Sonny hated the system, he disliked having teachers who dealt with the boys with impunity, some not attending all classes, or being unprepared. Some had wars with the headmaster and it showed and the students were affected by this. The students got affected by the resultant lack of quality teaching.

The plus thing about the school was the environment. Also, the food and the effect of the older successful athletes on their younger schoolmates was encouraging. Some good was bred in them due to the fact that their local area heroes were humble yet so rich , and did so much for their community development. Unfortunately, the local community could say only so much about the level of school affairs.

Takes me back to the issue I wrote about some time back. Who will stand up to be counted among my brother– Kenyan men of valor? Where are these men to set good examples for our sons? I am not saying none are present. They are mostly in history books. We need more of them closer home, among us, in our every day lives. Sonny, gradually settled in a bit that first term. Being an amicable, cheerful and self determined child, he forged friendships with older boys very fast. He was also unique in that he had lived abroad for so long. This endeared him to boys who wanted to hear about and understand the experience of living in another country.

When Sonny came for that first April holiday, his height had shot up by almost a whole foot. Over the years, he has grown to be almost six feet tall. He became lanky and I was glad he wasn’t worried about breasts and abs any more. He had no flab. Being in an environment that breeds Kenya’s world class runners, he entered into a fray of sports, and exercise. That and lots of good food and fresh air, encouraged his growth rate to shoot up. My little boy had entered teen age hood. He took on a new walk, newfound confidence and assertiveness, and was adamant about what he would take and what he wouldn’t. Lucky for me, he was still as loving, kind , helpful and understanding as before. Those Godly virtues, were enhanced by the church influence in the school.

I am lucky that went well. I will not have to go through all that with My Baby. Growing is fun. What about you, how is it with your boys, their breasts and abs (or lack of them?). Wish you luck with Kazi ya Kulea.

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Nothing displeases an envious ,jealousy filled heart , as much as a person who will just go on with life in ignorant bliss.That is, the kind of person who brushes off rumours, insults, malice and envy, as you would dust off your pants. With absolutely no care or fuss.
An envious mind, is a soil full of a poisonous chemical. Everything good or bad in it, dies from within. All the rain, shine and nutrients are in vain.

Your heart and mind are the soil and the plants and other matter, your life. If the heart and mind carry envy, all else that is good from within and around you, diminishes in importance. The saddest aspect about people going green with envy, is that they develop habits of acting with pure malice and impudence. Envy does not wish a body well. Any body,for that matter.

Our good Lord, effects punishment of this vice full circle. When you envy others, you get hurt. Envy eats you up! Not those you envy. Proverbs 14:30 “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”

Envy is a result of greed. Children need to be taught early in life, that envy is a sign of laziness and greed. In molding young minds, this vice should be constantly harped upon as destructive to the self and harmful to society.

Most of the prevention and avoidance of envy lies in hard work. A busy mind benefits the body, and challenges are constant when one is on the go at anything useful, whether mental or physical. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.

Envy is also a result of lack of confidence and self esteem. A confident person rests assured that he is the best that he can be. He is at peace with himself. If there is room to improve, then they work a pace at which they can aim for this achievement, and operate within it. It need not be the same pace as that of the best person in the same category. The end after all, justifies the means.

Not all of us will live to be millionaires, doctors or famous politicians. Some of us will be leaders and others will be followers. Many of the gardeners, cooks, clerks, aides, and others, will aim only to perfect their particular line of operation, skill or position. Indeed their greatest achievement will not be to rise to a higher level, but to be the best in their particular level.

A house girl will aim to be the best in her work among peers. She will aim to be considered the most obedient and understanding by her master or mistress and entire household. She will strive to run “her” house better than even they would. Managing this, will be her goal and achievement. A person with different ambitions, might think her un-ambitious or lowly or so naïve…. but here the line is drawn between self-satisfaction and greed. Any praise heaped upon her, the appreciation of her employers and family, the smooth running of that home…will give her the greatest satisfaction. It will bring her praise from her own peers and visitors to the home, She will have excelled as much as the next management trainee will have done, in his merit of a promotion. The world needs a lot of ordinary people to do some small but extraordinary things.

My three loves are not similarly endowed mentally or otherwise. Thus, I encourage each according to their ability and talent. This way, I ensure that each child feels that they are performing at optimum according to their abilities and limitations. Boosting a child’s confidence irrespective of their level of capability, ensures that there is little or no occasion for envy and jealousy.

One demanding factor encouraged by schools is competitiveness without due regard to a child’s talents. There are children who have absolutely no ability to maintain even a constant average mark. They are always below this. However, some of these same children, are group leaders at sports, games, acting, debate, innovation, tidiness and cleanliness and other aspects.

It is imperative that we as guardians and parents, encourage them to develop these abilities with the same zeal we would, for class work. Effort must be made to help them in any subject they show any possibility of improvement. If a child is a sportsperson, encourage them to understand science, so that they may know about their body functions for better understanding on self-improvement. Create an interest in geography, so they may note what surroundings they practice within, and to better appreciate the environment.

Another way of erasing feelings of inadequacy and thus envy from the growing child is by giving continual examples of the merits of humility. I confess to believing humility, to be among the greatest of virtues. A humble person has no opportunity of envy. They strive to belittle themselves even in the face of deserving praise and glory. They redeem themselves, even where they far exceed others in stature, performance, ability or endowment.

When all is said and done, greed causes envy, more than anything else. Will yourself to be satisfied with the limitations placed upon you by nature, circumstance and opportunity.

Any effort to surpass laid down limitations, should be driven by a need that does not include unnecessary pain, deprivation or retrogression of the affairs of others.

No harm is done by those aiming higher, needing more and wishing for better, if it is all done without going green over the gains and benefits of others.

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I am a true believer- no matter what level of sinner the world may label me. I tell you! There are moments when I will stop worrying about it all. Bila kujali – without a single doubt – that it will all be solved in a miraculous way. And guess what? All the time that I have chosen to be still and to acknowledge that my God is able, He has fulfilled my wish beyond my wildest dreams.

I once wrote my friends..about four or more years back. I suspect most just went duh?! I said in this mail, that it is possible that sometimes to solve our problems, God turns back the hands of time for particular situations, and makes things right again. It’s complicated, but Science Fiction movies have shown just how easily possible it is. If man can do it in make believe, how much so easier is it for our Lord? I guess that is why we get dejavu about a place, occurrence or person. That ; “I have been there, done that, interacted with”…..feeling.

I am amazed and glad to know this because I have noticed that my countrymen have a knack for lying, deceit and conman ship, which is totally unwarranted. Not realizing that what goes around…does come around. Some time back, I wrote about a butchery I was frequenting, that had special cuts at unbelievable rates. Well, Towards Christmas I went there, hoping to get some bulk purchases for the festive season. Shock on me. The place had a stench from the putrefying meats. Oooh yes, and none of the fellows inside, had an excuse, guilt, fear or even regret at what they were doing. I would imagine, since they are not so educated, it might be one of their own, that will get sick or worse from the same foul meat. As for me and mine, I ceased visits to that spot henceforth. Talk about a good deal gone bad.

This last festive season, my three loves traveled to the coast with an aunt. It was a wonderful time for them all. For  the boys, it was a first time visit. Miss D is a regular there. Luckily and thankfully, it was the time when Kenyans decided, “Pwani Twaja” – Coast here we come. It seems the whole of Nairobi went to see and enjoy the coast. They met so many friends, that making new ones wasn’t necessary. I was elated because one; so many people embraced local tourism, and two: that “wanjiku” has realized that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. It is a sign of development when masses of ordinary people wake up to the call to spend on holiday travel, other than going to the village.

Accommodation rates were affordable and Kenyans being the level minded people we are, were on “bed only” basis almost everywhere. Yes and why not? All the better for families to enjoy the food treats “abroad”, and spread the economic benefit.  Bed here, food there, transport elsewhere and momentos from still another. My three beloved, also got to visit relatives and friends albeit briefly, who live in those nether lands.

This was all good for all of us. I got to rest- actually, taking a break from worrying about what menus to do, who’s washing is done, what I have to buy for who on my way home and all other endless mental and physical chores, is a huge break. They may seem little, inconsequential and simple tasks; but coupled with work hassles, relative issues, man  & financial problems etc…..a woman can have quite a load to carry on two simple stressed shoulders. Read mine. My three loves on the other hand, are now better placed to understand what kind of life I have lived, having transversed most of the country on a not so humble basis, courtesy their father(R.I.P) in our wedded bliss and in youthful days of yonder.

It’s sad that sometimes parents go on about all the good places they have been to, great meals they have partaken and great people they have met, or great things they have done, to their own children who might be so placed as to only dreams of how that may feel like. Why not give them an actual taste of it? Nothing opens up a young mind, than exposure. Exposure to that which is they think is unreachable. Children are hopeful and have minds so easy to mould. Mould them in the right fold. Place hope for availability and access to  all things good, to them.

I have endeavored to take my three beloved to all places high and mighty, to show them how normal all my mighty friends are, by telling them about their normal lives. By cooking for and teaching them about all foods thought rare and expensive. By showing them how fickle money is, but just how important it is to have it, and hold it. By painstakingly proving to them through and through, how useless power and fame can be, if discipline, empathy and humility are absent.

So we are into this new year- 2010. Before World cup comes and turns the world topsy turvy again, I have yet these months remaining, to teach my brood so much, through so many tastes, events, people, circumstance and places.

Of all my joys, motherhood is my most treasured and gives me most reason to be still and know that my Lord is God.
Ye all be still!

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So much is being said about us women having become so easy to get, loose, immoral etc. However, for every action, there is a reaction. Men today have no qualms about lamenting on and on about how women have worn trousers and taken up their roles.

Harken men! This is a sign that you have so failed to do your bit, that woman- the ever efficient multitasking person- has decided to also do your share of the work; in order to keep the race moving at the rate it should. Surely I imagine, if we women did not take up some of our male roles, earning, child upbringing, decision making, paid manual labor etc, our species would be underdeveloped and maybe under fear of being overtaken by aliens or wild animals. Just my two cents.

Traditionally, men were supposed to hunt, gather food, protect, instruct and guide the woman in family matters. Tradition flew out the window, when men replaced brains with brawn.

All a woman does better than a man, is to think while multitasking. In fact, thinking or wisdom is the basis by which superiority is gained. Thinking and improvising how to keep ourselves and a family, fed, housed, clothed, protected, educated…you get the drift. Just how many able men today, cater for any more than themselves? Women so perfected this takeover role,that many elderly women going back up to two generations, are tending for themselves, and children and grandchildren- to death. Not to add just how many are leaving behind legacies of inheritance, empathy and good morals to their surviving families.

Majority of my assumptions and facts are based on actual situations both here at home and in greater Africa. Similarly I also expect the same applies to other third world countries.

Chivalry. It all boils down to this. According to Thesaurus the synonyms of Chivalry are: gallant, courtly, brave, valiant, loyal, magnanimous, noble, courteous, polite, mannerly, well-mannered, gracious, attentive, considerate. The opposite or anonym is: cowardly and discourteous. I remember in the seventies before I became a teen, I assumed that all men were hard working, well meaning, tough, money bearing and disciplined home leaders. That was a loooong long time ago. Fast forward to 2010. I look around and see so many of my male age mates, with kids dotted along the way. Some looking after none, others some. Many have married only in the past five or so years. A whole many more, are just cohabiting and sleeping with whomever they wish, whenever, and at whatever cost to their lives and those of their families. And, to add insult to injury, no one is batting an eyelid.

We women meet and moan about it, shout out, leave temporarily, invoke family intervention, claw mistresses, and eventually relent to norms of a society going absolutely immoral. Many relent to staying on with eyes shut and hearts shattered. It is not to say that a man who is  chivalrous, would not cease to stray or misbehave. It is only human to err. But the few men worth all our attention in families, society and corporations, employ these virtue in their everyday life. This means that in wooing a woman, caring for one’s home, dealing with in-laws, handling official matters and so much more, one behaves in a good manner. It easy to be well mannered.

The saying that ‘empty debes make much noise” is so true. Many men have turned themselves into drunkards, unthinking selfish people with little of no care for themselves, let alone others. Take Reuben, who is forty five and has been cohabiting with a woman for twelve years. They have three children, and he, two outside this relationship. They rent despite his ability to have taken a mortgage twelve years ago. He is a total embarrassment to his family and a disgrace to hers. They live from hand to mouth. He is known as the estate ram. Any woman – vendor, other’s wife, housemaid, neighbors’ daughter -is game to him. They only need step in to his local beer den when he is present. His children are fine, thanks to his wife’s ability to trade in wares within the hood, and her micro finance savings in local women’s groups. His compatriots are little better. Yes they may have a bit more stashed up and be more organized, but spending time with family is deemed sissy. Every day without fail, they are at the bar. Many are home only Sundays, to kill a hangover.

I do agree that there are many men out there doing a marvelous job at parenting and organizing their lives and those of their families, but they are the minority. The general acceptance of negative behavior in our lives is eating this society. It makes it that much for easier for youth to succumb to negative vices. Is it a wonder our sons are losing lives and hope at earlier ages? Where are the men to stand up in estates and come up with projects to do general trash collection, weed and drainage clearance and pruning of trees and shrubs; who will lead our sons to repair all fences in one street per weekend in an estate until all are done? Where are the fathers to ensure each local primary school is taught societal etiquette, first aid, or proper virtues, rules and disciplines? Where our male volunteers to ensure those young hot blooded youth are are stopped from wooing maids when parents are away?

Wanaume! Stand up and get counted. Let us see who gets home before his children are asleep at least three days every week. Who goes out with his woman at least once a month, how many have volunteered at the local school or church to train/ advice youth; anyone who has personally taken up the task of thorough cleaning his home as a gift to a tired girlfriend or wife…recently given your woman a total makeover (salon, dresses, shoes, handbags, manicure, pedicure) as a gift? Is this asking too much? do you imagine insisting on everybody in your house saying prayers before a meal, or eating together, or saying thank you to whoever cooked and doing your own share of housework to give your woman(and housemaid) a total day or rest , is asking for too much? Think Again.

We have all been to houses that are literally falling apart because of lack of repairs. Minor repairs. Many men, will afford to spend thousands on personal fun activities, but will fail to buy a tin of paint worth hundreds only, for their houses. It is so cheap to engage a few volunteers, for the price of a meal, to help one clean up his house and surrounding. Three men getting together and a couple of hundred shillings, can clear a lot of sewerage blockages I have seen. I haven’t come across men more hardworking, ingenious and determined like a Kenyan man with a mission. Ok, Americans are quite something else, but Kenyan men still take the cup for ingenuity.

However, because of lack of chivalry, we are making a name as a nation of lazy bozos, inhumane souls and plundering goons. (Note: I am trying to be civil here…..) It is sad how lack of one virtue can cause so much malaise in a society. Heaven’s first law is order- and as sure as we are made in the image of God, we are not going to go anywhere good, without order. Good virtues dictate an orderly manner of living. I am of the old school, which believes that the man’s position is head of house. The reason God forgives us, is so that we in turn may keep forgiving one another. There is still opportunity for positive change. I wish to see my sons grow up to have chivalry as a habit. It’s getting that harder for me to guide them this way, because there are that fewer examples to show them.
I look forward to the day when I can go out on a first date without fear of a man groping at me or asking for sex. A day when I can go for a girl’s day out and majority of what I hear are praises about the men who are seeing and living with my friends. A time when I will keep get positively surprised at a clear drainage, not necessarily done by “kazi kwa vijana” troops. Will it be possible that a day will come when any slum will have a toilet for every single block of shacks? Surely I cannot be dreaming, to imagine that some day soon, my brothers might be known to physically haul out our underage sons from brothels and bars, purely out of desire to maintain order in society? I have a dream that all this will come to be. For the sake of a better tomorrow for my three beloved, I will dare to dream.

Having growing sons myself makes me see a lot of boyishness in all these grown men. They are all so good and hopeful within. Their dreams are currently tethered by frustrations, stress, shattered ambitions and bad habits. Nothing frees a body and mind like some “kazi kwa bidii” (good hard work).It is the magic that keeps women going strong and able to multitask. When a body is busy at work, there is little room for negative thoughts, and a lot of room is created for opportunity to do something more challenging and accomplish it.

Someone stand up for me?

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My late mother – God bless her soul- raised me to know that a good mother should always serve a healthy portion to growing children. She insisted upon abundance, not quality. She had a point. This is Africa. Anybody not in the A class minority, eats organic. Did I say anybody? Mistake. It is everybody. I have a nutritional book that was done as a report in the mid 60′s. That long ago. I buy books and journals all the time, and especially love detailed topical issues, to better grasp what I haven’t leant in detail at school or in life. In this report by somebody and other, who included current and past United Nations surveys, it was noted that what the third world needed to reduce malnutrition, was a daily dosage of a half a teaspoon of oil, to every child under five. Couldn’t be truer.

All over Africa, children eat healthy portions of starch, but suffer from constipation and poor digestion. Oil would combat both. In addition to this, few proteins are ever available. Oil again would help here. I won’t go into how little it would take for Africa to combat hunger. There are enough politicians doing enough nothing about this, for me to join in the confusion. Okay….so early on, I set out to ensure my family is fed not very well but very much. It has been good so far. Miss D, Sonny and my baby have glimpsed at milk, waved at cheese(luckily my baby is allergic to it!),had chicken ceremoniously, fish frequently as long as it was spelt O.M.E.N.A, and….had cereals and greens every other day. Dare I not forget a daily helpful of good old starch. We couldn’t be healthier. Actually if you wished to gauge my financial status, all you would do is watch the frequency of meat meals at ours. There is money, there is meat. There is no money….There is no meat. So simple.

My baby loves beans. What a saving gladness this gives me. It means that we can actually pass with having a bean and rice meal on a celebratory day. One fact I realized out of sheer shortage of money and a wish for a balanced diet, is that cereals are a family’s best friend. They not only help save; but you are an assurance of good food and enough of it, to overcome tough times when disaster – read brokenness – strikes. To this end, I know as much of dryable foods as I can. Where, Where and how to buy them Our home does not lack for variety.

Muthokoi which is maize with husks removed through a soft pounding, cooks faster after soaking. We mix it with all sorts of beans. Yellow, red, maroon, black…. Cassava comes dried in chips. Marvelous. Another multi-bean mix. We have failed to understand the magic of boiling dried maize. We all can make chapati, ugali, spaghetti and rice.Having internet facilities at work has helped me learn new cooking methods and recipes. We make all sorts of stuff with flour. Ask Jamaicans. So much can be done with bananas and flour. Best of all, you all should have lots of corn/maize flour in stock. It has always been our saving grace when nothing else was available. You can not dispute porridge. Not now, not ever. Warm or cold, nothing fills and pleases a growling stomach like porridge. Interestingly, porridge is regarded and used in so many categories of a meal. Starter, appetizer, breakfast, main meal, etc… And it is eaten in every community I have met or read about.

Recently, now that the older two are grown and able to plan and make meals alongside mother me, we have begun to experiment and refine our culinary skills and prowess. TV is no longer an entertainment forum. We try what we watch. In purchase of equipment and other items for use in cooking. Vegetables we just passed off as “muzungu food”(white man’s food), are now becoming regular in the house. Celery, Cucumber, Cauliflower, red cabbage, beetroot. We have also introduced a wider variety of spices into our cooking. We recently made cheese at home and are looking to make it a habit for Miss D’s sake. I discovered a butchery that sells a variety of cuts near the bus stage. I am elated. For a good price, I can get mutton, chicken cutlets, liver, gizzards and all sorts of meats. The beauty with this shop, is that the meats are all cut up to edible portions. Nice huh? Ok. This is the deal. My “Baby Daddy”- God rest his soul- was a hotelier. This means that I got privy of what happens in all these one, two, three, four and five star hotels, behind the scenes. Especially in the kitchen.

My little convenient butchery, sells stuff that does not look like your ordinary cuts. The chicken I am boasting of comes in various forms. You can buy shredded skin of chicken, almost meatless wings, skinned necks and barely breast and thigh pieces. Mutton is cut up into manageable pieces. You may get bone of cow. Yes bone. Do with it what you will do with it. And so forth and so forth. Now what happens, is that the people who matter in hotel chickens…oops…kitchens…decide what parts and amounts of the meats to keep .Get my drift? The rest…all of it….goes to the bin. I should say “is supposed to”. Those of us, who have not been in a coma in the past three or so years in Africa, need no telling. No one throws food, let alone meat, any more. Just can’t afford it. So a contract is given for “kitchen trash collection” and voila! Yours truly and company will eat meat.

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I keep getting back to the mercies bestowed upon us by our Lord. I cannot tire of this. Looking at the sorrows and pains suffered by so many of my married sisters causes me to frequently relive this promise.

Mothers beloved the world over, have, do and will cry for their families, due to man’s own doing. Hence our comfort in these words of the Holy Book. Of course they are intended not just for single mothers…I know, I know.

This promise comes so true to me. I can so well testify to the tears, the sorrows, the mourning and pain of the old order of things. So many nights and days, I have wept silently, praying for a better life for myself and my three beloved. Things have, in times now seemingly so far gone, been hopelessly depressing. There was sickness and no money to reach for even the simplest relief, school and no money to go on tomorrow, food was scarce and we were hungry, Christmas was here and there was nothing to celebrate with… the list is unending. For once I dare say it wasn’t always or most often, that a man was the cause of my distress. Women too have caused me distress to a certain degree, and always it was worse than that caused by men. I can authoritatively say that, now that I am older and wiser. In these instances, I reached out to my God and he heard my cry. Always, without fail, God hears our cry and within His own time, he wipes away our every tear and makes good His above promise. We just do not always see it.

Bringing up children singly is frowned upon in our society. More so in some cultures more than in others. I remember once being asked by a friend, why I insisted on telling men I had children. Duh? It turns out that she -and many others to date- believed in buying time, love, affection and financial benefits in the guise of being young and without child- until the man were tied by her charms to the level of proposing. Then, I suppose, she would elect if to own up to the truth or tie him in another lie to prolong the benefits. I chose instead, to do my best to earn a living , to sacrifice my all, to give my children all that they would have had in a two parent home, and more. If they would lack, it would only be as much as any child in a two parent home could. My hard work and sacrifice paid off.

No need going into the details of the harm of these lies. We all have experienced it or seen it affect a loved one. Pure torture. We women can be vile. I am one. I know. I stuck to announcing to any man with good or bad intentions, that I was “buggaged” and may they be in the know. Honesty is a great virtue. Despite my admission, I went ahead to receive proposals over the years that I only turned down; because I deemed them not well fit for the progress of my family’s welfare; at those particular times.
I too have wanted so much to get married. Any right thinking man will carefully consider the implications of marrying a woman with not one, or two but three children. In the end, it is those noble virtues that get us what is right and good for both ourselves and our children and the man-I dare say. Galatians 5:22-23: “By contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against such things.” These seven virtues as put out in the Holy Book encompass all others, Roman, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu etc. Goodness is universal, and a good woman begets or is begotten of by a good man. (Order! – not begetting as in birth). I have undertaken to go by them. That in itself has given me joy, fulfillment, success and hope for a better brighter tomorrow’s have made this the foundation upon which my beloved three will grow up, it is the shield that has, and will protect us in challenging times, and with which we shall be thankful, victorious and joyous, in good times.

I have watched women give in to impulses to lie about their children, and thereafter put these same children in lifelong anguish due to their lies. Nothing kills a child’s morale as much as being neglected by the only parent they know. It is bad enough that many men shun their obligation even when the child knows of them as their biological parent. It is worse for the child when the single mother (apologies to single fathers) whom this child sees as guardian, source of security, caregiver and source of joy- in turn also deliberately and openly rejects the child or mistreats them.

My heart does go out to suffering children. How lost they must feel. I need only think of my baby, who at ten, still gets frightened of thunder. We are in a comfortable house, with security so assured, we always have a warm meal, and a future that is basically assured of all basic comforts. Still, when thunder strikes so hard and loud, I hug him close and sit right next to him for assurance. Allowing him to sleep on my lap, or at my feet, as I go about my writing or television viewing. In these times, I think of the internally displaced, those in the slums, those dear children around us, whose mothers may be so drunk, annoyed or simply uncaring at this time.

Reading the Holy book does a lot to allay my sadness, my sorrows and wipe away my tears. Then, the Holy Word comes to me in its brightness. I too was there one time. Maybe not in so much tribulation, but I have had my low moments. Are they really just mere memories now? How blessed are we? I know my prayers; theirs too, will be heard. One time, the tears of these whom we pity for now, will too be wiped away to be no more. My joy lies in knowing that they will also then get a revelation of how blessed they are. This Holy word is the Light of the world. Let it shine.

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Still I prejudge myself as having done well and come out almost tops. If nothing else, my undying, uncompromised and non stop love, understanding, guidance and care and joy with and to my three loves, has shaped them well. My constant self sacrifice for their comfort and that of relatives close and distant has instilled in them a desire to have empathy, be God fearing and to the best of their ability, aspire to make the world a safer better when they can. Towards this, they have embraced -not always to my liking- total non-discriminatory virtues. They consider all people equal, and thus make friends bila ubaguzi (without allowing scruples of any kind to influence them).

Like I said, not always to my liking. Having and living with teenagers has been an eye opener to me. Now I understand how loving and merciful mothers can be, and why one’s mother is deemed as next in importance to one’s God. Teenagers are an extreme tester of nerves. Was I ever one? It is all very well to claim “in our days….blah blah fishcake…” This is not then. It becomes so tough, ever so tough, to be loving, caring or even understanding with this breed we are raising. Times have changed and so have their needs, likes and wants. We should have parenting tips given as refresher courses every other decade, to bring us up to date with what’s “hip” for teens. Just so we know.

So…I have gone through my mad hours with Miss D and Sonny. On the receiving end, have been their maternal aunts and uncles. The closer and more sympathetic they have been to these two’s woes, the harsher my wars with them have been. I am a bull in rage when it has come to discipline issues with these two. I now understand only so well, how rages of anger can drive parents to remove or input disastrous clauses in their will, cutting off or reducing benefits of their children. Now while I write this in my happy mood, I can barely believe what fits of anger I have had because of this duo.

Early last year, in unison, they went mad. Yep, mad. I could not say or do anything that they did not oppose. I tried cajoling, discussion, arbitration from relatives and even tears-to no avail. Lastly in desperation, and raging anger, I resorted to warfare. It is so easy to lose children in Nairobi. Is it the same in all towns? I should think so. The negative influences are all the same.

For starters, I stopped giving the troublesome twosome any money. Down to not even sending them on any errand with any cash exceeding 100Kshs. That done, if I issued instruction or order for a chore which by my return in the evening had not been done, that child would get nil by mouth for a week from me. Fellow parents, try this. Did you know that it is virtually impossible for teens to lie to an angry mother? Again, part of the reason why giving love to you children is so important. When you suddenly shut down avenues of affection, they really get hurt and afraid. They are still young children. They need constant love and attention from parents and/or guardians to boost their sense of belonging, security and esteem. Dont ask me about fathers. Daughters have their way with them. Add “usually drunk when asked for money” and voila! “Watachota” (they end up dishing it out)

I then went ahead to do no socializing in the house with the two. I would get home, shower, and relax in the bedroom with my baby. Surprise, surprise, it rarely worked. Then I took to shouting. I can yell. Ask any mother of teens about yelling. I mean decibels. Shock on me, sometimes they yelled right back at me. It was war. But again, I have a general principal in life I do not ever enter into a fight I cannot win. I would win this war, any which way.

This last bit would come with one or two swear words and some expletives, directed at yours truly two. At one point, they would straight out run off to “understanding” relatives. I was not relenting. I made a vow to myself a long time ago while all and sundry were yet toddlers. That I would do all in my power as long as they were in my care, to bring them up as God fearing, self respecting and good citizens. Hasn’t been easy and I know it aunt over yet, But I will try my darnedest best yet.

Eventually, like a bad tide or wave, all the craze disappeared. You know, I was like…”what the…?” I guess the worst is yet to come. College and working life have their own new and different experiences and challenges. I mean for we parents not the child. I will yet see how to handle that. Miss D now in college does so much so far. I am limited in my control, and yet I must constantly stamp my foot down. Family time is family time. It’s hard. The lure of freedom, friends and fun is stronger than that of mother’s wish to talk about good old good behavior and hard work.

Again, all the good I have sowed in them over their childhood years, I have faith, will in the end overcome all and any negative influences they will come across. I must remain hopeful, and keep that fighting spirit simmering. Just in case. Now, all is well and we are back to doing any good we can while moving on. You never know when it might come in handy.

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Sonny sat and completed his O level exams. Small wonder, some might comment. But you see; I take nothing concerning my three loves, lightly or for granted. Especially…not Sonny. Also sadly, there are a lot of boy children, who out of fear, misfortune, natural and/or man made calamity or illness etc, failed to sit for at all ,or to complete their exams this year. So I give thanks to Jehovah. I was among the only so many parents, who celebrated the completion of one eventful and often annoying journey of hope, faith and sometimes fear for their son’s whole completion of secondary school. After all boys will be boys , but when they get to secondary , they become bigger and bolder and you can say that again.

Now comes part three of educating him. College. Sonny is fortunately or unfortunately, very young. At seventeen, he will be expected -God willing -to join college and mix with adults. He himself has barely come out of childhood. (Let me try telling him that!) I on the other hand, will have an option to release him to the world, or hold him back till he is ready. All depends upon many other factors. If wishes were horses and I rode myself into loads of money, I would send him to a military school, where he might also earn himself some wholesome education plus loads of discipline. Then I would ensure he gets a good well paying job and marry him to a daughter of a friend. Tarah wishful thinking…. (Sigh…..)

Life though, isn’t as glossy and easy. I will sit and sweat out this period, until results are out. I get so happy when my loves perform well. Overjoyed best explains it. Really; why not. I do not let myself get caught up in expectations of excellence or outstanding results. I appreciate that all children- well, almost all, try their best to gain their parents and peers respect and approval. The trying in itself is a top mark for me. If I can raise their hopes to know they are as good as the best, they will excel. Doesn’t matter if its sixty years down the road. Hope to me, the will to dream and dream big, by far surpasses all this certificate exam results. I know…worse could happen.

Talking about which, I would be so happy if more people would have hearty conversation with their children. It’s not about age. It’s about being in touch. We make it a point in our home, to know crucial details about friends, their families and their particular problems. If my baby’s best friend has a shoe, toy, or stomach problem, I should know. Not only that, but we all should know when, if or how we can be of help. If Sonny or Miss D has a relationship, their “other ka-person” should be well known to all of us. In detail- well almost at least. It gets so good or bad depending on who’s saying it, that if I have a man problem, my loves should know. Information is everything. Communication is the tool by which information is transferred from point A to B. Comprende? So we keep the love flowing in our home, through communication.

Absolute secrecy is sometimes a real hindrance. As much stuff as is sanely and bearingly reasonable, should be public knowledge among adult family members. Kindly note that “sanely and bearingly reasonable”, here means everything. This isn’t personal, but I know oh so many people whose families are caught in webs of lies because of “kept” secrets reaching far back into past decades.     When a lie catches up with you, it’s like a festering wound. You cannot heal it before you dry it, and you cannot dry it anywhere; but in the open. Out with the dirt! It’s a good thing getting things off your chest. Boy is it good. I know you know what I mean. That fresh feeling of relief you feel when the dreaded deed you did gets out in public, and is received without so much as a murmur. Sometimes thankfully, it even gets overshadowed by bigger events, and all its importance fizzles in comparison. I take this to be our Lord’s way of rewarding us for being humble enough to admit mistakes.

Children learn by example. Gossipy parents, overbearing, haughty and arrogant people, breed little followers of their creed. Oooh yeah. “Mtoto wa nyoka ni nyoka”(A snake begets a snake).It is a wise person that learns how to wear to faces. To show by example. Children are best taught to do and act as told. Not as shown. We do the acting for training in tact. All these little people must know that it is sometimes best to pretend not to feel-pain, joy, sorrow, and excitement, fatigue…whatever. Character cannot be learned or taught without tribulation and trial. The Bible repeatedly emphasizes on humility. It cannot be said many enough times. Humble thyself. It takes quite some character to humble oneself in the face of (ahem) beauty, wealth, guaranteed meals, a good education, constant victory, etc. I mean, this is OPPORTUNITY time. Time to taunt those brains, the brawn, glorify in envy, ease into simplicity and splendor…..humble what? Yap, brats and little beasts, despots and chauvunists, arrogance and hatred, impunity and indeed all things and minds evil are born of a lack of humility.

I said we sometimes get very upset with one another in our home. It happens if impunity dares encroach into our home. You see, we all have choices. If we so much as allow bragging and cynical comments to pass in our home, it will just seep into habit. The same applies to abusive language or cursing. Impunity will reign. Nothing stinks like a family at war with itself. Absolutely nothing. Carnegie put it best in his 50 winning ways. He said no one talks as badly to our family members as we do. No stranger will retort at a dinner table when asked to pass salt. Ye when people in a home are at loggerheads, a simple request might be met with the most vile and vicious retort, related to a simmering dispute.

Charity we are told, begins at home.  Where better would I teach my loves about etiquette, honesty, courtesy and humility if not at home? Lets all spread some love at home first, then away.

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Things got heated when the talk got to “pia those over 40”. That King’ang’i …..I have given him a wanted. Churchill, stand warned. Utapatikana. Eeniwe, this here me girl, is forty something. Granted, I could do well with having a good, well mannered, rich, mature, respectable, church going, God Fearing, sober, non-smoking, well spoken and extremely well educated, jocular and hard working man. Actually if I dare say so, so could well, all of my girlfriends who are my age mates. Why not? Majority of us “forty Kidus” have children. None of these are from a holy conception.

Just for one small issue. Where is this man? Please, please, note that I did not describe a perfect man. Note that I did not ask that he can be tall, handsome, or the most wonderful surrogate or adopted “Baby daddy” of my three loves- Miss D, Sonny and my baby. Neither did I state that he be able to help in housework, or cook for us, or pick and arrange his socks and what nots. Neither too is there mention or hope for kind, understanding, helpful, considerate and non interfering “horrors-in-law”. I will take them as they come-mad, nosey pokey, irritating habits and all. Not all relatives can be as perfect as ours (snigger).

In the TV show, “How to get rich” they have an opener…”Show me the money!”

Listen up you all… “Show me the man!” It’s amazing. Of course man and woman are made to be together. None more in youth than in older age. It is just that marriage is so hard in these times. My regret is that impunity has crept into all aspects of our lives. Men cheat on wives and girlfriends with impunity. What are our sons to learn from all this? It is no wonder that son’s born and/or bred in single parent homes, especially with or by their mothers, whether for part or all their lives, are increasingly becoming the preferred, more sought after and better behaved men.

There is, in my opinion, no argument about whether or not women need men. We do. So, so much. However, and we must thank God‘s gracious mercy upon humankind for this; a woman will need a man only so long as their togetherness, is not portended or seen to be dangerous to the survival and progress of herself and that of family- namely, their/ her children. Therein lies the crux of the matter. Most men-read African- have absolutely no scruples about suddenly and without provocation or warning, endangering themselves, their woman and anybody else, in pursuit of carnal pleasure and drink. Yes, again my two cents, and in that order of preference by majority. Oh how rich Africa would be, if these vile deeds were substituted with Endeavour of happiness and development!

Enter Africa’s woman. Empowered with a hard working demeanor, sometimes an education, principles of societal well being and good housekeeping instilled in her. Brought up to offer respect and subservience to her man, in return for a good standing in society, tender care and a life of stability and protection from her man and his family. All things considered, the African woman is as ready, willing and capable to strive and help her man in shared responsibility, as long as he cares, is tender and protects her TOGETHER with his family. African man my brother, I bow down to you, if you have done this to and for your woman. I also stand firm in my two cent assertion, that if your African woman has shown you disrespect, you have failed to do only one of the few things mentioned above.

The entire hullabaloo I hear about me and my sisters being single “*&^ %( **s”, is just all that – hullabaloo. The impunity with which our men have stood us up and their/our children to boot, is despicable. Again, you must thank God for us-The African woman. We, who have elected to ignore that insult and injury, and still go ahead, take care of our loves -through thick and thin- and dare to hope again for love and respect, and tender care, and a life of………..etc
Miss D is now only eighteen, and has already been initiated to the woes of an African woman courtesy of this impunity of our men. It serves a lesson to Sonny, whose allegiance is to his sister. Sonny clearly knows that any show of such impunity in our home, would be met with…..no understanding. My baby, who will soon get to puberty, is watching too. Constantly re-evaluating his opinion and habit, to best suit and please that of his mother and sister. Life is teaching us all. The common way is not the good way. I must stay positive. I constantly hug my baby. Big boy that he is now. I love my three loves. It doesn’t stop me wishing I had a bigger hug. Someone to tell my problems and get not only a listening ear, but also a solution. A man to help me father my three loves, to share in our joys, to give us new joys. Someone whom we will so gladly show off to our myriad of friends and family, whom we will cheer up too. I need all this and more. I and as many of my sisters in similar situation in Africa, need a man. What is there to argue about this?

But…..Lord have mercy upon any man , who dare come in like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, to lay bare for slaughter, all this .Out of acts of impunity, a man will throw all this to disarray. We are not mad. No matter how bizarre a woman’s behavior may seem to the onlookers upon dejection or rejection by a man, on closer scrutiny, you may be shocked at what has befallen her. This is why we African women will “go wild” even insane in talk, behavior and other reaction, after a breakup; only to sober and cool off later. It is the shock of realization that beats us. I cannot even begin to say to what levels some men risk our lives and those of their/our children and families, our happiness, our ability to progress or even barely survive, in exchange of often temporary satisfactions and joys.

Mercifully, love truly is the greatest of all. Love still manges to creep in past all the hurt and wronging and bitterness, to again bring hope and happiness. For the sake of my three loves, I look forward to getting a bigger hug sometime soon.

Photo by Pulse Magazine

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Early today, I left with Miss Daddy. She that doesn’t like to leave early, my daughter, was forced to be early to avoid the jam expected all over Nairobi. This, because of the various graduation ceremonies and their associated celebratory crowds- family, graduates, et al… So, unusual for us, we left together at 5:45 a.m. The ride was uneventful, and we spoke little. Not like when I am with Sonny. My elder son. We think alike. We notice all the suffering and poverty along the way. We show each other new developments no matter how little, and rejoice in them. One of us will tell the other any little tit bit about a place or person we bypass. I tell you, we are very good friends. There, I said it at last. Sony is like a girlfriend. A bosom buddy.

Now, Miss Daddy got a jacket from me yesterday, to combat the rain and especially the cold. She took one look at it when I got home and asked”mum, why do you buy me those things?” That was an indication that I had bought an unfashionable item- again. I had guessed she might prefer my more formal jacket. She is schooling in a much colder environment and needs items that are warmer than they are fashionable. “No worry”, I said. “I will keep both, and tomorrow you can show me what you like”. Truce. She then described what she needs- short jacket, fitting, with pockets. What I had bought was long-ish bright and well, comfortable. My bad. She wanted stylish and capturing.

Now, to the cause of my distress. Remember I said I was in bright spirits? Well, when we got to our station, I asked Miss Daddy to come along with me, and I would show her where I get the jackets, so she would get what she needs. I then gave her enough to get one on her way home from school and we proceeded on our way. She then told me she might come home late because her friend’s brother had been shot and she hadn’t gone to see her.” See her or him?” I asked. “Not him” she answered. ” My friend. They have matanga, (funeral meetings) he was shot to death at point blank, right outside their house while seated with friends.”

Sonny is sixteen and Miss Daddy is only eighteen. This boy, who was shot, was only eighteen. It broke my heart. It brought to mind, that in the past month or so, my girlfriend had come to share a dilemma she had. Her lady neighbor had a wayward son and another straight, silent younger son. None yet twenty years. The night before, the older son whose thieving ways were known by all, had been shot to death during a robbery in their township, on the outskirts of Nairobi. While mourners met to comfort her the next morning, an uncle of the boys came in with more sad news. The younger son had apparently also been involved in robberies far from home, and had also been found at the mortuary that morning on tips from friends. Shot dead by police .My girlfriend did not know how to face her friend, who had collapsed on hearing of the death of the first son. Very, very sad.

I remembered that when she told me this, I had just met her after a traumatic month myself. Sonny had been beaten to near death by a group of fellows in a revenge attack for reporting a boy who had a weapon to the authorities. Mind you, this same boy together with others had robbed him and friends of mobile phones and personals, in broad daylight, days before. At gunpoint. They knew him. He was like them, on holiday.

I know all these victims and would be victims are near age mates. They are no different from my Sonny. When he was recuperating, he asked me to forgive and understand his attackers. You see, he has friends among them and like. He thinks he knows what pushes them. They want better for themselves, their parents, their siblings. But what can they do to help? Nothing almost. School has been a hustle for them. Often having little or no provisions, constant absenteeism for lack of fees, fare or sometimes, just lacking the will to go on. I forgave them. How could I not? How much luckier could I have hoped to get? So many boys die each day in this city each day. So far this year, Miss D and Sonny have been to bury or at the matanga of at least three boys they grew up with from childhood. Sonny’s beating was nothing to cry about. God had spared us all the pain of bereavement and we praise him and acknowledge that, every time we have to prepare for them to go for another funeral.

This is one of the things that drive me to work so hard and so well and to bear all and more than I should normally handle at work. Just a little less money in my pocket and I will not be able to afford the peace of mind I have, that enables me to advice and guide my children. Especially the older two. To fight them and their vices and friends and all the various influences trying to misguide them, is hard. Sometimes it cost money. I will go on a shouting spree for weeks on end if they are out of line. Teenagers really do get mad at that stage. One thing I promised myself is that my children would only get out of step while out of my house. But as long as they were still at home, I will fight tooth and nail with them or for them to put them right. It’s either that or I lose them. Life doesn’t have too many choices currently. For me, perfect parenting isn’t an option. It’s the only way I will go.

Today will be a good day. I am sure it will. My heart goes out to the parents and family of the young man, being laid to rest before he even begun to know the joy of life. Miss D told me the older sister, her friend, had constantly asked the brother to desist from mixing with that particular group of friends who were targeted thugs, to avoid such an event occurring. Their pleas fell on deaf ears. I maintain that his parent/s would have tried harder, but it is not for me to judge.

Sonny asked me to allow him take my baby, their ten year old brother, to visit their grandfather. I am lucky to live not very far from my family. Grandpa as they fondly call him, loves being with them. I know and look forward to all the new tales they will tell me about their friends. My baby especially, performed well at school this term and will be looking forward to tell his grandpa, uncles and aunt plus friends all the good news.

My prayers are for the deceased. May he rest in peace. My special heartfelt condolences and sympathy go to his family, who I know are in so much pain, anger, bitterness and regret. God, in His unfathomable grace, gives peace and will wipe your tears.

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