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Ask Lily: Anger Management Classes

admin — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 07:34:22 +0000

Hi,

I have anger issues and it makes things really hard for me and my husband. Am scared, I try ways to get away from it like telling him to talk to me later but he goes on and that ticks me off. And I end up doing things that sometimes I don’t even remember I did.

Please let me know where i can go for anger management classes.

Rachel

Ask Lily: Is my husband cheating on me?

admin — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 06:35:23 +0000

Ok i need to know if these signs sound like cheating to you. I have a gut feeling that my husband has been cheating here are some of the signs over the past year.

Accusing me of having an affair on several occaisions like if i miss his call i will get a text ok have fun with your friend.. he also goes places with his friends. he used to invite me but work would hold me up because it was never preplanned, now he just tells me he is going and doesn’t come home till the next morning or afternoon cause he does’nt want to drink and drive.

The newest is that he put a security lock on his computers and told me to stay off his phone because i do not pay the bill. this weekend he went out with his friends didn’t invite me . called me later in the evening and I asked if one of his friends wife went with them and he said no but she said she would have if you would have come. I told him to be sure to let her know I wasn’t invited to come. then i woke up to find him home on the couch at 4am and he had to drive an hour to get home. I asked him why are you home you were drinking he said i didn’t feel like staying and I only had 4 beers all night. this is the first time he did that. could the conversation earlier made him feel guilty to come home. he slept most of the day but I killed him in kindness and he almost got mad because i was being so nice and not fighting like i usually would for inviting me after he is there. he has even begun to tell me he thinks i have someting going on with the neighbour..

I have found naked (professional) not self taken pictures on his cell when i do get access and the last fight i brought it up he had all that but not one of me on his phone and he said his friend sent them. I told him ya and what married men do is look laugh and reply but dont save them and star them on your phone.

So with all this info i do think these changes are leading me to think he is cheating. do i ask his friends and risk them saying hey your crazy wife called me… or do i do as my mom said to me what goes on in the dark …. will eventually be seen in the light…

Should i just wait for his own lies to screw himself. Any suggestions?

Ask Lily: Cheating boyfriend and Trust Issues

admin — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 06:00:37 +0000

Dear Lily,

I have been dating a man for the past 3 years. Our relationship have been rocky since we first started dating but we always resolved our differences before it got worse. 2 years down to the relationship, he was constantly keeping a space from me by always hanging out with his friends and never seeing me. This man changed so much that I began to worry. My insecurities developed and I started stressing over every little thing with him. I would complain to him about giving me more time and he would on temporary basis and go back to being the same a week after. After many fights and separations I was convinced that he may be cheating on me.

I did my research in every way possible and found out that he was in fact cheating on with a girl he met at a club for a about a month and a half. I discovered this through his phone account and saw that he was talking to a woman nonstop. I confronted him and he admitted. I left him for about two weeks and after his apologies I decided to take him back. Yes, maybe you can say that I was very insecured of losing him. I became so depressed and lost so much weight stressing over how much he has hurt me. I truly love him with all my heart.

The cheating happened 8 months ago. He has made positive changes but I cant convince my mind and heart that it will not happen again. He gave me all of his passwords and yes, there were incidence where i questioned him about a random number I saw on his phone account and he would get so furious. He has continued hanging out with his friends again giving me one day out of the week. He has now changed his passwords and given me an ultimatum that if I want to continue this relationship, I would have to give up the passwords and take his words that he will never cheat on me. How can I accept this? I have told him the opposite that if he wont spend more time with me and give me those passwords, I cannot continue on with this relationship.

Its been three days and I have not heard back from him. PLEASE TELL ME WHERE AM I GOING WRONG. SHOULD I NOT DEMAND THOSE PASSWORDS AND HIS TIME?

Marie

Ask Lily: Where can I buy an engagement ring?

admin — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 06:00:30 +0000

Hi,

I know this is a women’s site but I’m like desperate. I want to buy an engagement ring for my girl here in Kenya but I have googled to no avail cannot find any place online. Give me idea where i can go buy. Thanks.

Steve

Ask Lily: Dating a married man

admin — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 06:00:46 +0000

Hi Lily,

I have tried dating guys but all I have ended up being is hurt, cheated on or dumped. I hooked up with a guy who I later found out that he was married but we have been together for four years. I know its wrong but he has been so good to me that i can not find a way to break up with him,i tried to separate myself from him by dating another guy recently, but he is still calls me every day. I recently found out that the guy i hooked up with has a wife and a child too and he has also been flirting around with other women. I confronted him but he claims its not true. I have also been to his house unannounced but I haven’t found any evidence to incriminate him. Am not sure about him, I have doubts but what I want is to get a good man who loves me. What do I do?

Maureen

Ask Lily: Did he play me?

admin — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 02:00:38 +0000

Hi lily, am in a dilemma here.

I met this guy who was into me. At first I wasn’t into him because I was involved with another guy then. I got to find out through a common friend we share that he was into me. After meeting him we connected and found out that we like each other. He was still involved with an older woman who he claims he didn’t love but loved me. Things didn’t work out with my current boyfriend then and we got to separate.this guy was still in pursuit for me but I didn’t want to get involved because of his complicated situation.

We recently met and he told me that things dint work out between them and they had separated but i am still not sure. He has always said he loved me and been very persistent about it for years.since i also liked him I gave in and we hooked up. We got intimate the day we hooked up and after that he disappeared. I called him but he said he will call me, I wrote him an email but he never responded. I tend to think he just played with me but am not sure because he always talks to his friends about me and marriage.

Mumbi

Ask Lily: 4 years and he’s yet to show me where he lives

admin — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 06:19:40 +0000

Hi,
I have been dating this guy for four years and he has never shown me where he lives.We see each other during the weekend and most of the time he spends at my place.Whenever i bring up the issue of me knowing where he lives,he goes silent and tells me that he cant comment anything about that.This has really frustrated me because i feel like am pushing him too much.I also fear the risk of loosing him.What should i do?

Do i risk the relationship and squeeze the truth out of him or should i wait for him to show me his place at his own will.Could he be cheating or even a married man?

Stella

Ask Lily: He broke up with me coz he wasnt ready for our relationship

admin — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 05:48:00 +0000

Just wondering when your man breaks up with u and says. “i dont think am ready for this relationship”yet there has never been a problem between the two. what does it mean? kwanza it being through a call?

Matilda

Ask Lily: How to put off a nagging rich man

admin — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 07:43:28 +0000

i have been thinking on a way to hurt somebody with words in order to stop bothering me by sending me huge amounts of money in order to accept him as my husband to be.Am very young and still in compass,am an orphan and i was brought up in acrid smell of poverty.am aged 20 years and this man is 40years and he look very old even physically. personally i have met him and told him face to face that i don’t love him and i cant even put up with him.

This old man at the age of my father can not listen to me and he keeps showering me with lots of money and stupid love messages.what do i do with this man because i want to live my life but he can not listen to me because he thinks after am through with my education he will marry me.I know you may be asking how i got to know this man but it was through his fiance whom they had planned to marry but eventually they broke up.the fiance was my pal and she got married to somebody else and we lost contact.we have never had any affair with this man neither spend a even a whole day day together.Please help me on how to put off this man for am sick of him. He is too much nagging.

Ashifila

Ask Lily: Should I let go or wait

admin — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 06:26:52 +0000

am 20 i fell for this guy whom av known since high school we are in the same college and friends. i kept the feeling to myself till recently i told him through a text after a long wait he replied and said he liked me too. he has not made a move yet its been like a month now,we still chat but the problem is i have to do it first he doesnt text or call before i do which makes me think he is not interested. do i stand a chance?

Vera

Ask Lily: Should i tell this guy’s wife I have his child

admin — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 06:20:04 +0000

I had a baby 2 years ago with a man who had a steady girlfriend.When i first informed him that i was pregnant he promised to support us, this never happened. After i gave birth i confronted him, he again promised to help, this he did just for one month by sending such a small amount of money.He keeps promising to support his kid but never does it.He married his steady girlfriend just before i gave birth,the wife doesn’t know that this man has a kid with another woman, i feel like telling her the truth so that she knows she’s living with a very irresponsible man who has continually let his innocent flesh and blood suffer. should i tell this guy’s wife

Am feeling really confused about the whole situation. kindly advice

Pattie

Ask Lily: Virginity

admin — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 06:07:06 +0000

does every woman bleed when the break there virginity? the first time i had sex,i never bled n i was a virgin.i told my boyfriend by the that i was a virgin but later thot i lied to him.hes my husband now but still he doesnt believe that i was a virgin when we met.how do i explain coz i have nt experienced bleeding?

Juliet

Ask Lily: Should I leave him

admin — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 06:30:32 +0000

Ive been in a relationship with a really nice guy for almost 4 years. Though it has been an on/off thing coz of distance issues when it comes to his work and my schooling. I went through his phone sometime back and found texts he has received and sent to some chics declaring his undying love for them. When i confronted him, he apologised and i forgave him. If i happen to go through his phone again, and get some text from some chic, it will be the 5th time. He tells me he loves me but in my mind, i always think he could be cheating. He has told me of his plans to marry me and for us to start living together. He still lives with his siblings and he is thirty years. He wants us to wait till i graduate from campus so that we can live together. Ill be clearing 2 years from now. Everytime i confront him about issues that affect us, he always asks me if im going to leave him. Should i?

Chrisy

Ask Lily: Lesbianism

admin — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 06:00:32 +0000

I am 23 years old and i have not had the best of family settings. i detest my father as he would always beat up my mum, still does, cheats and all the evils that men do well my father is the ‘satan” of them all.i think because of this i have fell into the hands of bad men time over time, they beat me up, cheat on me emotionally blackmail me, all the like and i am thinking its all to do with the male specie. I am seriously contempplating on becoming a lesbian as i am already attracted to women but now the problem is i might never be able to share my love with the girl i am currently seeing, (she is 28 and ready to settle)as i am sort of “a celebrity” in the media industry. what do i do?

Jan

Ask Lily: Old virgin :(

admin — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 06:00:00 +0000

Hello Lily,

I am a 28 year old lady,and still a virgin.Yup,as wierd as that may seem,i am and still going strong!I really don’t seem to be interested in men beyond flirting!(am a serial flirt!),am not/never interested in sex nor having children.I am now getting kinder worried and wondering if am normal.I am in a long distance relationship with a guy who respects me and has never pressured me for sex.We plan to marry soon but am afraid i’ll not/never be interested in sex and ofcourse i’ll lose him pronto!

Question,are there pills for women like me……..(viagra,or something),coz even alcohal,chocolate,cool locations,romance,porn,cool music……….DO NOTHING FOR ME!!!!!Am i dead inside?Do i need pchyciatrict evaluation?PLS HEEEELP!

Dianne.

Ask Lily: Married but still in love with my ex

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 06:00:31 +0000

im a married lady with two boys.this is my 7th yr in marriage but the problem is im still very much in love with my ex.he was the only man i ever dated before my husband.i cant stop thinking about him and sometimes i feel like quitting my marriage and moving in with him.im even tempted to get his child if i cant live with him.its like im obsessed with him.pls advice what to do,i feel like im loosing my mind. thanks.

Abunga

Ask Lily: Should I date him or build my career

admin — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 10:37:48 +0000

hi,iam 22 yrs old. am an attachee in a tour company in mombasa.there is this guy,we used to be neighbours and friends when we were kids.right now we are all grown up and he wants to date me.but i feel like am not ready yet. am building my career right now.i dont know what to do,he is a very nice guy. am confused, he maybe God sent i may be throwing my luck away and on top of all,i dont want to hurt him.please help me.

Agnes

Ask Lily: After how long should I start dating again

admin — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 06:00:56 +0000

Hi Lilly,
I am a 28 year old single mother of a one year old this November but unfortunately me and the father we split up before she was born. Now am thinking of dating again but most people tell me its too soon,please advise, how long should one take.

Liz

Ask Lily: Wrong relationships

admin — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 06:12:01 +0000

At times I wonder if am problem or its the kind men I associate with? Lately I have been in relationships which are purely sexual.I tend to want more from the relationship n all the man is keen on is getting in the sack with me.Am all frustated n have been holding out on being in any relationship.I nowadays I look at any approach with skeptism since I nolonger find men to be genuine.Am 28 yrs old and keen on settling down and starting a family.Please advice.

Mary

Ask Lily: She believes that her ex will come back to her

admin — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 06:00:56 +0000

my friend has a problem and would like to help her out though do not know how to do it.her boyfriend left her simply coz she had done something wrong to him in the past and she is stressed coz she has never met a person like him before.he is someone who does not like entertaining ladies much when they approach him and is very caring and loving guy. the problem is that he calls her in weird hours of the night and they talk as they used to before when they were lovers and they are good friends. she luvs the guy so much and does not believe in getting another man like him who will fill the gap that has been left.more so she believes that the ex will come back to her.should she still wait for him?advice me on what to tell her bearing in mind that the girl still luvs him so much. thanks

Ask Lily: Am pregnant with his child & he cheated on me

admin — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 11:43:09 +0000

hi lily,

i am a 25 year old unmarried woman. i have a 3 year old son from a previous relationship and am 3 months pregnant with my current boyfriend of over a year. my situation is very difficult because i am going through a struggle with homelessness and being away from my son. my boyfriend has been there for me when i was unhappy and when i took things out on him that was not his struggle. he is 23 and no kids. i am his longest relationship however, mine is 5 years with my sons father. so i am pregnant with his first child. i found out that he was cheating on the morning at 4am after his birthday. his phone kept vibrating in a shoe under the bed and i have been suspicious by his actions before this but wanted to trust him. i knew his password to his voicemail but he didnt know i knew. so at 4am i checked it and heard a woman who was calling him baby and how come he didnt call her etc, etc. i stole his sim card and the next day talked to the girl. no sex took place but it still hurts to know that because he couldnt talk to me due to rules at the shelter, that he was talkin and seeing her. now that he has been caught, i still want to make it work, im having his baby. he tells me he doesnt want to lose me and that he asked god for a woman like me to love him and im her, he says he started to like her but that she means nothing compared to me and he wants to marry me and be a family. i know that if i dont learn to trust him i could push him away again. i tell him he needs to understand what he has done to my heart and he agrees. i still know his password and he said he wont change it. i guess, im asking if it is possible that he means what he says and he wont cheat on me again, or is he just lying. he doesnt want me to stress with the baby but i told him he is better to tell me now so i can get over it and not wait til the baby gets here so he can leave. he tells me again that he loves me, hes sorry he hurt me, he was wrong and we were going through problems. since that day(only last week) i try to do more to satisfy him, i give him a massage, cook dinner and breakfast, make love the best i can to him, but i dont know if it is gonna work, how do i know if he will or has stopped? i want to believe him, he agreed to counseling but we cant afford that. do you have any advice for me?

Josie

Ask Lily: My husband’s best friend tells me that he’s cheating on me

admin — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 06:26:59 +0000

I was wondering what to do coz i have stayed with my husband for 4yrs and lately i was told by his best friend that he is cheating on me. And that now he has 3chics. The friend was so wiling to help me catch him and he promised to help me if i was willing to find out the truth.i have not yet caught him but i am wondering why did the best friend turn against him all of a sudden.I am really stressed please help.We have a one year one son.Should i ask him if he is having an affair and not mention the friend or should i wait and catch him coz am sure the friend will assist me. Thanks

Ann

Ask Lily: Advise me on how to loose weight

admin — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:11:07 +0000

Please advise me on a way to loose 10kgs in a months time. i tried the gym but it did not help. i have a wedding in september to attend and i want to look hot.i got sick and gained so much weight loosing it is becoming hell but am determined to because i do not like being this big. thank you.

Amy *

* The names have been changed for privacy purposes.

Ask Lily: Help me end resentment in my marriage

admin — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 06:07:21 +0000

I have been married for 5 years now and blessed with 2 children. My husband loves his kids to bits. My question is we have had arguments on and off and these issues had reached a point where we were giving up on each other. I vowed to do my best to end the arguments which has kinda worked. Unfortunately, i feel like he does some things wrongly and i dont know how to tell him. When i try tell him what i want, he will make sure he does the opposite. e.g. he does not want us to invest together, he makes decisions on all investments and puts them all under his name (he just informs me of his decisions), he works for 12 hrs a day mon to fri and saturdays comes home at the same time, attends most functions alone, I tend to feel like he does some things because he is forced to do them and not because he is willing from his heart. How do i understand my marriage and improve it?

Jackie

Ask Lily: Should i approach him

admin — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 06:29:20 +0000

There is a guy that i really like, bu t he does not know that coz i never give him any signs,besides he is in a steady relationship. Should i approach him and spill out my guts to him or let it go?

Sharon

***

Hey Sharon

While there are [many] exceptions to every rule, the average guy prefers to chase than be chased. If you pursue a guy, 9 times out of 10, he will run away. And that 1 time out of 10, he will not value you as much as a girl he actually had to work hard to get. Most guys feel that a girl who pursues them is desperate, and no guy will treat you well once he deems you desperate. He knows he can get a way with murder, and many times, he’ll take advantage of that. plus he’ll boast to his friends about how you chased him, and it’s not generally discussed as a compliment.

That said, it’s always a bad idea to go after someone else’s man. Even if by some miracle he does leave the other girl for you, he’ll be equally likely to leave you for another girl. Think about it…

Aunt Tabby

Ask Lily: Will my boyfriend stop cheating

admin — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 07:22:21 +0000

i have been in a relationship with peter for 3yrs now and have been living together for two yrs.about four months ago i left his house after a fight we had and soon discovered that he cheated on me while i was away. he denied it and i decided to look the other way with fear of loosing him.

although everything is fine between us now, i no longer trust him and have problems believing that he will remain faithful to me. things have gotten so bad that i feel like i am going insane. i listen in on his phone conversations, i crosscheck his stories to ensure he did not lie, i go through his text messages and also through his receipts in his jeans. i am also having nightmares about him cheating on me again and i have dreamt over and over again of his mistresses pushing me off a cliff.

i am madly in love with this man but i also cant live like this. should i talk to him about it( although he is horrible at communication and may still deny he cheated) or should i let go? do i need psychiatric help? is this behavior normal?

Ciku

***

Hi Ciku

In the first place, are you absolutely sure he cheated? He denies it, do you have proof that he’s lying? My policy is that unless I catch you in mid-coitus and see it with my own eyes, it didn’t happen. There have been too many cases of forged photos, faked videos, people spiking someone’s drink and putting them in compromising positions, or just plain old jealous friends and relatives cooking up stories.

Cheating is a tricky thing, because once somebody does it, you can never be sure they won’t do it again. And once somebody gets caught cheating, if the care about the relationship, they will make sure they are never caught again. So you might think that your partner has reformed, yet all they are doing is covering their tracks better.

That said, trust is a choice. When you’re with someone, you simply decide to trust them. Whether or not they abuse that trust is none of your business; by trusting them you have done your part.

By getting back with your allegedly cheating boyfriend, you have chosen to trust him. Live with it. Stop checking his phone, reading his texts or spying on him. That’s stupid. If you don’t trust him, leave. If you do trust him, move on.

Cheating is something you can forgive once. Stop going out of your way to bust him. If you catch him again, it shouldn’t be because you were snooping. Snooping will only push into another girl’s arms.

But, I insist, always use condoms. Always always always. A person who loves you will protect you, and if he refuses or gets defensive, then clearly he does not care for you.

Aunt Tabby

Ask Lily: Child Support

admin — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:10:27 +0000

Hi,

I have a 1 and 1/2 yr old very beautiful daughter. I am supporting her all by myself. The father ran away as soon as he heard am expecting and his first idea was abortion, which i refused. When i asked him for support he said he has moved on with his life and should i dare to go to court, he will quit his job so that i don’t get any share from him. what do i do as i cannot afford a lawyer?

Tracy

My name is Dorothy and I am a single mother (parent) trying to help mothers like you address this issue of Child Support. The Law is the biggest problem in addressing this issue…..however there is the Children’s Act of 2001 which is very clear on the Rights of the child especially the Parental Responsibilities of the father even when you are not married. Please get one from the Government Printers and read section 23 and 25.

Meanwhile, keep pushing him and don’t give up, I would advise that you keep those messages he threatens that he will leave his job….they will come in handy. If anything DARE him to carry out his threat and leave his job.

He might have moved on with his life, but he has a responsibility to his child…that child did not choose its parents…..ask him to grow up and be a MAN…..A REAL MAN!!

Let me know if you need any more information. You can visit our website www.mothersunwed.org.

My thoughts and prayers to you and baby…keep strong!!

Dorothy

Ask Lily: Confused

admin — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 05:30:38 +0000

I met this guy sometimes ago and we started dating 3 months ago the first time he sounded so serious about commitment he talked about if i could marry him and have kids with him and i decided to give him a chance, its now three months and he have never told me that he loves me, he talks a lot about how women are bad, cheaters, he also most of the time support wife beating though he have never laid hand on me,he dont open up about his past and his life in general, all i know is that he had a bad relationship where his ex gal left him for another man, we got into a fight another day and he threaten to end the relationship, pliz let me know if he is worth my time or what i should do, i have met so many guys in my life and i feel like if i break up with him i will never date again not because i love him but am just tired of the dating game.

Tina*
——————
Dear Tina*

Many people show their feelings through actions, not just words. he doesn’t have to say ‘i love you’, he can show it throught the way he treats you. A person who loves you spends time with you, is kind to you, and introduces you to his or her friends and family, meaning that he is proud of you.

Marriage is a big deal. You will share your whole life with this person, so you shouldknow about them, their family, their culture and their history. It doesn’t mean you have to know everything about them, and their ex-girlfriends/boyfriends have nothing to do with you. However, be wary of someone with too many secrets. You should at least know their family, even if you don’t know about previous affairs – your relationship should start with a clean slate so stories about past loves should be left dead, buried, cremated, and the ashes thrown of a very high cliff.

There is no excuse for violence in a relationship. Absolutely none. watch the man carefully, and the second he lays a hand on you, run far far away. Until then, don’t provoke him, a lot of women can nag a perfectly reasonable man towards violent thoughts. I’m just saying…

The earth has about 6 billion people. You shouldn’t cling to a bad relationship out of fear, there are lots of good people out there. I suggest you ask yourself your reasons for being with this man, then decide whether it’s worth it. But fear should NEVER be a reason to date/marry someone. The dating game can be tiring, even frustrating, but marrying the wrong person is a million times worse, trust me on that. So be sensible in your decision, and good luck!

Aunt Tabby

* The names have been changed for privacy purposes.

Ask Lily: Submit your questions or dilemas

admin — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 10:29:29 +0000

Ask Lily is a section on The Lily Review where users can post questions or dilemmas they may be going through which other members of the community can respond to with possible solutions. These questions could range from relationship problems to dilemmas at the office or school. To have your question or problem featured here, submit it using the form below.

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