Getting over an Ex…

This past year was a miracle! A miracle in learning how to get over an ex…making new friends, learning that some of the ‘old’ ones were in it just for kicks, finding myself again…loving whom I’ve become/Am becoming. Being kind and gentle to myself. Finding new hobbies, hanging out in new places. Setting out to consciously conquer my hitherto hidden fears. Feeling the gut-wrenching moments when reality checks in, and letting myself feel every raw emotion; yet not getting swallowed up in the moment. Accepting what is, and moving it forward.

My family and friends keep saying am the strongest person they know! I walked away from an engagement. I saw it fit to drop everything and take up a whole new tangent. Oh don’t get me wrong…the journey was very, very scary and super difficult in the first few steps and days. I switched off my cellphone for 3.5 weeks just to let it set in that I was ending a lifetime dream of mine. Letting it all collapse in every way. Away from the prying eyes that wanted to know every detail of my movements. Solitude, when I needed to let it all out. Peace, when I discovered I was starting to let go…of anger, pain, hurt, vengeance, betrayal, rejection, mistrust. I introspected. I argued. I soul-searched. I debated. Having tried all avenues to make it work, there was no option but to walk away. I was inconsolable some days. some days were bright and cheery. The downward spirals were the worst. They hit at the most unexpected moments…in a matatu on the way home, the scent of a perfume similar to hers would stop me in my tracks, the evening breeze hitting my face as I walked home would send swift tears to me eyes as I remembered the giggle of her laugh and the way she sweetly reached out to clasp my hand in hers.

I think the ‘finding out’ that someone significant has been cheating on you over a long period of time, is the hardest bit to accept. That it even slipped past you?! Yeah, you actually get through a ‘self-righteous’ stage like that. It seems like a dream happening to someone else. You’ve read about it, watched the drama unfold on the news, read of men who stayed on to hash it out…I seemed to be a different breed. I’m a one woman man. I don’t co-share. Period. I trust deeply. I love even deeper. That’s why, I don’t for the life of me even get how people discuss a three-some or multiple lovers and reach an ‘understanding’???

I journaled. Was a very foreign concept to me just 2 years back. I wrote down every single feeling and thought. I jotted down dates, times, activities. I worked with a children’s home…keep me distracted. I joined a new profession and worked long and hard. I saved religiously for getaways. I spoilt myself. I journeyed back and forth about that day, many times in my mind. I drenched my pillow with angry, lonely, self-pity tears on many nights…and some days. I searched relentlessly for clues, giveaways. Some were too scary to pursue. Some nicely settled in place, letting me know I had seen the signs, but ignored them. Initially, I had a pull and push game with my emotions. I chose to physically walk out of that space to avoid going back. I’d been burnt too many times, and still hoped they would change. For me. I changed. I became what they required of me. I hated myself for it. Then I started choosing me..again. Dainty steps at first. Going half a day without reading their texts. Avoiding friends who kept asking what happened. Seeking to visit loving people. Watching inspirational movies. Taking up newer challenges (mountain climbing, writing, cycling long distance, public speaking, mentoring other men etc).

I’ve found myself talking about the relationship in past tense, I don’t wince anymore when someone calls her my fiancee, I even laugh at some of the memories. I’ve even braved the Clubbing scene..hahaha! I could actually dig this. I gave away albums, books, burnt many photos. Stopped calling them. Deleted their numbers from my phone. Re-read the loving texts one last time. Set new goals for my life. Focussed on me. Eventually mustered the courage to send them a Thank you and Goodbye text. I closed that door, finally. I wished them well. I wished them Love, just as I hoped to find again.

And so, I tentatively started dating, again. Just good friends hanging out on a weekend. Driving out of town, barbecues, sports festivals, cook-outs and Rugby matches. What d’ya know? Am better for that sordid relationship! Ha!

Yeah, this year has been good to me…as I’ve been to myself. Cant wait to see what awaits me in the next 6 months.

Photo credit: Glendali

You might also like:

One who loves playing with words....