Fatherhood, Seriousness & Boredom – Part 1

Ahoy Sisters! I know, I know, who do I think I am to keep disappearing and appearing out of your lives like a road side magician? Don’t I know y’all got better things to do than wait around in vain for my next post? A Blogger gets 5 loyal readers and thinks he is Justin Beiber?? No wonder Kenyan bloggers will never go anywhere!! Nkt.

But I digress.

You will forgive me though. Much as I love writing about my ever adventurous life, sometimes my pen (or keyboard) gets overtaken by events. But I’m here now and I hope to be more consistent this time round.

Last we talked, my former best friend Tim was getting married. Yes, former. Believe it or not it’s been over 6 months since I last saw Timothy. Two events precipitated this fateful end to our enduring bond. Just over a year ago, I met a girl. Milkah was her name. It still is.

mom and kidSecondly, after Tim’s wedding, he decided he would settle in the far far away land of Syokimau, in what he considered a safe environment for the seven Timlings he was about he planned get.

I think the boy is crazy for thinking he can father 7 children in this day and age. I also think Christine will deserve nothing less than a nobel peace prize if she agrees to this. Yet, I also respect them for being what they’ve always been, true to their ideals and principles. The idiots!

So, Milkah. Oh Milkah! I must admit I wasn’t very fond of the name when I first got introduced to her at a friend’s party. For starters it reminded me of the big-mouthed Admin lady at my previous employer’s company. The woman was so stingy she would grill you for requisitioning a friggin pencil!!

Her name not withstanding, Milkah (my Milkah that is) was a sight to behold. Short, hippy & busty. Just my type.

Things got complicated on the character side though. Uptight, Upright & Confident. Definitely not my type. I always went for the free spirited with low self-esteem. First time we met I thought she was quite the bitch. Turns out, she thought I was a condescending chauvinist who couldn’t keep his eyes off her cleavage.

I took it upon myself to face the challenge and get past her unappealing character. I procured her number from the host and gave her a ring. She agreed to a date, and the rest as they say is things going in a completely different direction from what I expected. 3 Months later I was falling for the for her. I’m talking head-over-heels kick-in-the-groin oh-damn-cupid-got-me falling for her!

While I was busy getting entangled in this web of romantic deceit, Tim was settling down to married life. He was busy, I was smitten; we barely had time for each other. Plus Christine had put down some serious rules against my randomly showing up for dinner & sleepover or inviting Tim for “Boys night out”.

Then God played an interesting joke on me. Turns out Milkah was also madly in love with me. She couldn’t show me though because her spies had informed her that I was a wobbly canon in the relationship battlefield. She was giving herself time to see if I could change. Me, change!

I didn’t change. She on the other hand finally gave in, and once again, as they say, I unleashed five months of carnal starvation on her. Ok, maybe they don’t say that.

Did I say God played a joke on me? Oh yes, he did. Something tells me He has never stopped laughing to date. I remember calling Tim and telling him I didn’t care if he was making babies that night, I wanted to see him asap. This was an emergency. An era was about to end and I could see the dark clouds forming above me, lightning flashing in the distance, rain and hailstorm imminent and worst of all me, a Father!

I had just celebrated my 29th Birthday. As far as I was concerned, I had ten more years of debauchery left before the thought of being a Dad could conjure itself up in my head. It had been an Epic Birthday by the way. One she couldn’t attend because her super strict dad could not bear the thought of his treasured daughter drinking and partying in some god-knows-where forest with boys he didn’t know.

When I relayed the news to Tim, he said he was happy for me. He then laughed his ass off while sipping my whiskey. I couldn’t help but laugh along, albeit not as heartedly. Christine had also just conceived so we were both in the same boat. Except his boat was called marriage and mine was called I’m so f****d!!

And here’s the funny part. I loved Milkah. I had even entertained the forbidden thought of proposing to her a couple of times before. I just wasn’t sure she would agree to wait another 10 years. Boy, you should have seen her. She was distraught. The girl brought up in a strict conservative Christian family, with a dad whose mere stare could make you wet your pants, and a Mom whose arms could almost match my Torso in diameter. She was pregnant before marriage!!

We stood outside the hospital; the results of the sixth blood test in her trembling hands as tears rolled freely down her dimpled cheeks. It killed me to watch her so sad. Somehow despite the strange pickle I was in, I had a strange calmness inside me. I had made a solemn promise to myself the night before.I would face her dad. I would take responsibility. I would be a dad. And if in the highly unlikely chance her father did not get me thrown to prison or her mother did not break my neck, I would ask her to marry me.

Despite promising to stand by me during this ordeal, Tim was nowhere to be seen most of the time. He also had an expectant woman in Syokimau to take care off so my needs were secondary at this juncture. I guess bros before whores does not apply after you put a ring on it.

It took a month of rehearsing and mentally preparing each other before Milkah could finally face her Father. This was our script: She would first remind him that he had told her she could tell him anything. She would then remind him how well behaved she had been so far. She would also assert that she was done with school and had a stable job. She would then drop the juggernaut. Before he could jump for her throat, she would quickly inform him of my existence and commitment to being there for both her and the baby. She would then conclude by announcing my interest in meeting him and talking like two men.

I must admit I smoked a little weed on the day I was due to meet him. Just enough to get to that place where even imminent death makes you smile.

He listened intently as I put forth my case, his eyes focused on a PSI calendar he had on the wall just above the family TV. The irony of the moment was not obvious to the parties involved, or if it was, we all chose to ignore it.

He paused for a moment longer after I was done with my speech. I remember my heart beating so loudly, wishing I had smoked more.

Image creditmarczini 

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Lawrence is the guy next door; A young, aspirational Kenyan gentleman; But most of all, a romantic soul in search of true love.

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