Why I’m not Chips Funga material

If your about my age you’ll remember the 1986 movie ‘About last night” (yeah 1986) starring 80’s brat packers Demi Moore and Rob Lowe. A romance that started with a one night stand. Sigh.

Well since then the whole one night stand story has been done over and over again and from every angle. Literally. From booty call to friends with benefits there is no real conclusion to draw yet on the sexual exploits of the consenting adult.

I’ve never really been into the one night stand but when I was younger it wasn’t as daunting to deal with but now, after 6 years of being single again, I can comfortably say hell to the no. I am definitely not chips funga material and here are my top 5 reasons why…starting from no 5.

5. What if I hate his house?
I am picky picky and the only surprises I want anymore are gifts. I imagine myself wondering if the sheets are clean, what if there’s no toilet paper in the loo, can I trust this towel… just too many conflicting emotions that would dampen any passion I could muster.

4. I am a creature of comfort.
There I said it. Getting all hot and heavy strikes me as passionate but uncomfortable. I need my fluffed up pillows, my breakfast in bed, my slow awakening. I do not have the energy to wake up pre-sparrow’s fart to get my face and make up in order ala soap opera vixen just to look all fresh and doe eyed. I want to sleep and wake up as I wish… looking as I do. No pressure please.

3. Breakfast
Breakfast is a key meal for me and I love it un-rushed and on time. The act of throwing me out of your house pre-dawn makes me cringe. I mean don’t I deserve at least a decent breakfast before the walk of shame?

2. The logistics put me off.
Think about it. I have 3 kids and a house lady. We live in an apartment block and I can just about hear the neighbors when they fart. The notion that a night of passion would go unnoticed is a miracle to say the least. Like a cat I just don’t want the world to know my business.

1. I am the eternal cynical romantic.
I don’t want one night. I want the package deal. Unlike the fairytale movie “About last night”, it’s highly unlikely a chips funga moment would end in an amazing lasting relationship.

In my world sexual liberation and exploration is not marked by being compared to a packet of chips in soggy paper. So yes … I am not chips funga material.

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