Ask Lily: Cheating boyfriend and Trust Issues

Ask Lily is a column on The Lily Review where users can post questions or dilemmas they may be going through and other members of the community can respond with possible solutions. Click here to send in your question. Share you solutions or thoughts in the comments.

Dear Lily,

I have been dating a man for the past 3 years. Our relationship have been rocky since we first started dating but we always resolved our differences before it got worse. 2 years down to the relationship, he was constantly keeping a space from me by always hanging out with his friends and never seeing me. This man changed so much that I began to worry. My insecurities developed and I started stressing over every little thing with him. I would complain to him about giving me more time and he would on temporary basis and go back to being the same a week after. After many fights and separations I was convinced that he may be cheating on me.

I did my research in every way possible and found out that he was in fact cheating on with a girl he met at a club for a about a month and a half. I discovered this through his phone account and saw that he was talking to a woman nonstop. I confronted him and he admitted. I left him for about two weeks and after his apologies I decided to take him back. Yes, maybe you can say that I was very insecured of losing him. I became so depressed and lost so much weight stressing over how much he has hurt me. I truly love him with all my heart.

The cheating happened 8 months ago. He has made positive changes but I cant convince my mind and heart that it will not happen again. He gave me all of his passwords and yes, there were incidence where i questioned him about a random number I saw on his phone account and he would get so furious. He has continued hanging out with his friends again giving me one day out of the week. He has now changed his passwords and given me an ultimatum that if I want to continue this relationship, I would have to give up the passwords and take his words that he will never cheat on me. How can I accept this? I have told him the opposite that if he wont spend more time with me and give me those passwords, I cannot continue on with this relationship.

Its been three days and I have not heard back from him. PLEASE TELL ME WHERE AM I GOING WRONG. SHOULD I NOT DEMAND THOSE PASSWORDS AND HIS TIME? :(


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  • Chingsue

    Girl you cant be serious….. this guy doesnt want to be with you. He doesnt give u ample time to be with him,, pliz dont force yourself on him. guys hate chicks who are too bothersome. the moment you realized he was cheating on you, you would have quit long time ago. open your eyes my dear and realize that he’s wasting your time. Dont you ever force urself on a guy, furthermore he is the one who fell in love with you 1st unless if it was vice Vassar.

  • Naomie

    Marie, the thing is he already has shown you that he doesn’t really care about your relationship with him. From the sounds of your email, to him the relationship is just a ‘by the way’ you need to be strong and understand that even after cheating and you taking him back, he feels zero remorse. A remorseful guy would want to repair the damage he has caused. Giving you ultimatums is not repairing a relationship! Honey, wake up and smell the coffee, move on…

  • Chicdee

    Marie,Marie,Marie….Please dont lift a rock and expect to find a rose underneath,you will most definately find a snake or a scopion. Same applies to your partners phone. I know it sounds hard or even almost impossible..but let his phone be his phone and your phone be your phone,that way you will not end up being hurt over,texts and calls he received. The day you follow that rule,your insecurities diminish and you esteem goes up. You should always know…you are a pearl so precious and no amn can ever change that fact. He should be good enough for you not you stoop to his level. From your email…hes not worth you.

  • Emmy

    Sweetie I used to be at the same situation and the best u can do 4 urself is to move on n forget the dude he doesnt care about u

  • Africangel

    Marie, right now I know you feel like you cannot live without him but I’ll tell you something that really opened my eyes to everything about relationships and life. This girl on “Cheaters” who had just caught her boyfie redhanded told Joey Greco “If you do not open your hand to let go of the one dollar bill you are holding so tightly God can never put a one hundred dollar bill in your hand”. You need to let go of this lousy one dollar bill you have and I can assure you will meet someone who wil love you and treat you right. God gave us women a sixth sense, when someone close to us is cheating, we just know it and start the snoop thing to prove what we already kow in our hearts. You can either let him go….. or let the cheating run its course. But I can tell you there is a price to pay either way. But since you are not married yet, i would advice the former, clearly he feels nothing for you, you are just his good time girl. Let go of the one dollar bill so that someone can put the 100 dollar bill in your hand.

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