I don’t believe in the theory about how women date/marry/seek out men who resemble their fathers. In some ways I think it’s a little too incestuous/ Oedipus complex for me! It’s not as if I don’t have a fantastic father to model my future mate(s) on, it’s just not a quality I particularly seek out. Not consciously at least. Granted the subconscious is the subconscious so lots of things tend to occur without our having realized!
But now as I critically looked back at all my partners I realize that there was a little of my dad in some of them, at least those who at the very least I had serious relationships with. So what exactly are these qualities one ought to find in a partner? Loyalty, respect, sense of humour, responsibility and a loving and selflessness nature etc… right? Then sure any man could have these traits. For me I have never met a man quite like my dad, I have only met a woman, me.
As I continue my search for love and wisdom I realize that I’m not looking for a man like my father because I have his traits, I need to seek out a mate who is more like my mother. My parents were married for 18 years, about 8 of which I was around to see. By a sad turn of events she passed away. From what I hear of them and saw in the years until he eventually went to join her in paradise, they were a match made in heaven, pun intended.
I’m not naïve, neither I’m I saying in my 8 years as the child of mama na baba I was paying close enough attention to the nature of their relationship. All I’m saying is that all evidence points to them having been highly compatible and deeply in love. My father not remarrying in the 11 years since her passing is rich testament to the fact. At least to me.
So what is the point to all this? We all have relationships we adore, whether real or fictional. Those we’d love to model ours against or if we are lucky enough morph into. For me it’s my mother and father, the Huxtables, the Obamas, a lovely old couple I saw on telly who got married after about 50 years together and if have to keep it to just five then Maria and Ralf in Paulo Coelho’s Eleven Minutes.
All these couples seem to have struck a balance among love, respect, friendship, ambition and the natural failings of the human being. Basically I’m saying, in my eyes, love carried the day or perhaps a deliberate rotation or battle with these elements. It’s that thing they have that has them one day look up and realize how much time had passed then looked down again and keep fighting to stay together.
That’s what I want in a partner, someone with staying power and the ability to fight for me and with me to keep what we have alive. Granted not a physical battle of blows and kicks And as I grow older I also realize that not knowing my mother well enough is such a huge loss. Especially now that I have had my relationship ‘light bulb’ moment! From what I know she was fun but strict, was the life of the party but shy, ambitious but sacrificial [is that even right?] she was also a very reserved individual. Now how do you find the equivalent of ALL that in a man? It’s a tall order but what I now know is that I need to find my opposite and match. Hmmm. Well, at least it’s good that I finally know what I want-ish.
The girl who had wants to find a Mr ‘Mrs. Huxtable’
Photo credit: wikipedia
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Some things are best left unsaid, while others are best said by others...allow me to say them all.