Always & Forever

Whenever my inspiration to write goes into a slump I like to go into supermarkets or stationery shops and find a notebook that will inspire me to pick up a pen again. Or if I’m broke I’ll convert an old notebook or exercise book into my doodling station and pray that something will ‘grow’ out of that madness. I tend to get into slumps…a lot. So there are lots of little notebooks scattered all over the house housing my secrets. [Memo to self: search and destroy]

In any case, over the weekend I came across one of those notebooks. It was more like a writing pad really, a throwback to those I liked to buy before resuming classes back when I was in boarding school. Its nice and pretty, the overleaf has ‘we are cool’ scribbled across it, a surefire way to get the kids to buy it eh? And the leaves are brilliant white with a slight purple tinge. In short, ME LIKEY!!! So I started flipping through the pages, trying to see if I wrote anything of maana in there in the past.

That’s when I came across this list of songs I would love to dance at my wedding. There is a very naughty part of me that conspires to have a few of these songs playing during a significant moment with my significant other so that one of these songs then becomes OUR song! Yep. That’s the plan.

First kiss = Endless Love – Luther Vandross
First argument [moment after at least] = If I ain’t got you –  Alicia Keys
First make up= Everything  – Mary J Blidge
First time to heemeheemheem= Like you’ll never see me again – Alicia Keys
First time we say ‘I love you’ to each other = Come Close – Common ft Mary J Blidge

Well a girl can dream can’t she?!? Plus who doesn’t appreciate the song writing skills and vocal prowess of Luther, Mary J and Alicia?

Of course I know this isn’t how these things tend to go. Nothing can be engineered. Well certain things can be, but that opens up the questions of real love versus doctored love versus I-can-make-this-work love versus I-want-my-way love. Bleurgh! So I sit there reading this list, trying to recall if any of them made it to my real ‘firsts’ list. No. Not a one! Granted certain songs do make me think about certain guys but each relationship had its song(s).

This whole thing made me made me think about identity and how somehow in these past relationships I tended to morph into another person in order to fit into the life of the particular man I was dating. Alright as I said before certain things should not be doctored but I realized that I never let these things that I love just be around, be said, be enjoyed by the two of us.

When I dated this guy who was into Hip Hop I hardly ever mentioned that I loved RnB more than Hip Hop, rather I harped on and on about the few Hip Hop songs that I did enjoy. Another guy was really into local music, Genge especially and as with the others I was tight lipped about my music because I thought he would think little of my taste. Yeah. Sad reality. I completely lost a big part of myself trying to pander to their needs. But after they all went away it was Mary who spoke the words my soul was screaming, “ I thought you were the answer to the question in my mind, but it seems that I was wrong, if I stay strong maybe I’ll find a real love.” And Alicia made me ask myself what was my “woman’s worth”? But Common said it best “Some ni**az recognize the light but they can’t handle the glare.” Haha so I’ve decided to revel in MY music, and this weekend I will seek out a place that sells DVDs and badger them into making me a CD with all my favourite songs because I don’t want to loss my identity…and who knows, maybe, just maybe something significant will happen, perhaps I’ll met a significant other while I’m there!!!

Signed,
The girl who loves her music!

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Some things are best left unsaid, while others are best said by others...allow me to say them all.

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/quill/ Mwesh

    Bakhita…..you hit the nail on the head.However problem is majority of us women try to fit in another persons life and we end up losing our identity as a person.We become this fake person wandering around in an unknown world with no direction.If the shoe don’t fit then don’t damn try and squeeze into it.Plain and simple.Be you and \everything else falls into place like a jigsaw puzzle.

  • http://www.miasaysyes.wordpress.com Miamor

    I find I have the opposite problem; I’m forever speaking my mind. It’s not a bad thing but if I fall for a guy who loves lingala, he’s gonna find out real quick that ummm…it’s not my cuppa tea. I’m proud of you for having this realization. Go ahead and get your groove on girl!

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/bakhita/ bakhita

    Haha wooohooo viva freedom of expression! :D thanks for the encouragement dear :)

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