Of late, *cough cough* I’ve realized that I don’t let myself be as happy as I could be. I am quite the social narcissist [is that even correct?] I love to keep to my lonesomenessness and while I’m at it my sole concern is to find out what people think of me and the things I have done/said. Boo-hoo right? Well screw you! <– I just wanted to say that
So this post is titled how to smile when your heart is breaking…well I lied to you, no such information is available here!!!
Hahaha I kid. So my heart is sort of breaking. I made a few mistakes and I lost somebody or rather the prospects of being with that someone. While my pride screams ‘really hun, the person lost you’ *insert smiley face here*, I’m quietly coming to grips that this could be the repercussions of some of my actions.
But this is not a bitchfest. I’m not going to insult the person, in truth we had a great time, A LOT of the little time we had together. This is that moment after, that ‘ok its happened, sh*t how to start smiling again’ and here is my very very very sagacious advice <– I couldn’t get the word ‘salacious’ out of my mind so clearly its given birth to this word!!
Ok so lets go back to the first line of this post, I don’t let myself be happy. Hoi! I’m almost always laughing, smiling and having a great time. But really I’m not always happy, I maybe smiling, but its a mask and beneath it I’m human! [Contrary to information out there, that I may or may not have encouraged and/or distributed.] Hehe. How did I realize this? As a person who likes smiling, I know the difference between chocolate-induced-woke-up-feeling-wonderful happiness and that other feeling that forces you to cheer up just for the world to see.
I tend to ‘catch a fire’ its like I’m sort of highly flammable entity [which we all are ama?] or some giant sponge that sparks easy and soaks up the world, respectively. I get so inspired when I read some things online or come across certain images that perhaps the other person did not directly intend to evoke these emotions within me. But that’s how it is. I love observing people and seeing the joy they find in living, that unabashed way in which they engage with life, willing to pit their best against the world!!!
So its no surprise that after half a day of blog-whoring *this awful sounding word actually means reading lots and lots of blogs in one sitting*…yeah…I was hit full in the face with how much unhappiness I make/ let myself wallow in (wallowing in a miasma sio). Truthfully though. I have always dreamed of big, beautiful and amazing destinations and experiences I want to explore. But they have always stayed in my mind. Things I sometimes walk past in the gallery of my mind like posters and postcards kept in some secret drawer. They were doing stuff, being out there, smiling for reals and just not giving a rat’s ass [why do we even say that its such a tiny rasa anyway who would give THAT????]
Anyway after much reflection I can authoritatively tell you that if you want to smile even when your heart is breaking, don’t.
Its ok not to smile, don’t mask your sadness. Because in time that fake smile will be the only thing you will give the world and like a Botoxed mama you will not have the ability to smile from the heart again. Do the things that you know make you truly happy. For me its watching my favourite songs from the 90s on YouTube then reading a good number of the comments posted after!! Haha just to know that I’m not the only one who loves that artist’s music and also to confirm that other people also do not like present day music
You see, I could choose to sit in some dark corner and brood over my sadness but I will not, sure I’m not going to bounce back to my normal self as fast but I’m NOT going to let the sadness consume me.
Just don’t put on a big show for the world, be true to how you feel because only you feel the pain and only you can take the pain away.
The girl who is trying to smile again.
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Some things are best left unsaid, while others are best said by others...allow me to say them all.