Love is a losing game!

There is nothing like a little quiet time to gain perspective. To sit quietly with one’s thoughts often filters out the noise and the ‘noise’ all around you until like carefully kneaded bread dough in an oven, clear thoughts rise at the appropriate time.

Of the traits I love-hate about myself is my ego/pride. Its what makes me go over past work with,well, pride. It is also that which makes me look at my past with a face like this –> ¤_¤

I know I’m not the only one who has made mistakes [oh such comfort in that thought ;) ] and I’m nowhere near stopping to make them. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling gutted every time I do.

Certain mistakes however, rise-like the aforementioned dough-above everything else and it is mostly upon them that my mind dwells. The sad ol’ mistakes of the heart and the way in which I handled certain situations and the repetitive nature of the same.

I once heard of a curious character in Greek mythology [if I’m not mistaken] Cassandra was her name and she was cursed with visions of the future and lived a life of ridicule and shame because nobody believed her tales. [Ok maybe because she foretold doom?!?] Anyway a couple of times I have wished to have Cassandra’s ‘curse’ which as I think about it now would be hella depressing and wouldn’t suit my purpose. But what if we could see the future? Would we really be happier? Its like that age old question we never really know how to answer, would you want to know when and how you will die? Hoi! Of course this desire to want to know my future is really about my wanting to know a certain future, my romantic future.

The heart is a curious thing, so powerful and yet so fragile. But I don’t need to tell you that, and in actual fact better writers and poets have explored this ironic and tragically beautiful phenomenon. In any case we are supposed to learn from life’s experiences right? Supposed to dust ourselves off and soldier on to that promise land of ‘better days’ eh? Well I don’t know about tomorrow but this moment right here is that second before the heart’s fail-safes kick in. This is me realizing that before anything else I must mourn for love lost. Real or imagined. Putting to rest the hand wringing thoughts of ‘what if’ and facing the sobering truth that he has made the conscious choice to be absent.

And

As my ego/pride wants to see it, it is most definitely his loss!

Signed,
The girl who is a handful but so worth it.

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Some things are best left unsaid, while others are best said by others...allow me to say them all.

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/quill/ Mwesh

    Funny that if we could see the future we would want to change it.Life is full of surprises and those surprises are worth us living to learn from them.The heart wants,what the heart wants….we can’t do anything about it…The what ifs should be in the trash….and moving on

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/bakhita/ bakhita

    @ruthmwende letting go of the ‘whatifs’ is the hardest part but its the most rewarding, why do we hold on to shadows and dreams? Its better to live in the ‘now’..thanks for stopping by :)

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/quill/ Mwesh

    Bakhita…..it sounds so easy when said but the acting part is so difficult.Humanly we prefer to stay on the past and not in the now.I think its fulfilling but the regret comes in full swing and trust its not healthy.Yo welcome

  • http://www.miasaysyes.wordpress.com Miamor

    It’s oddly nice to know that I’m not the only one who makes that face when I make a mistake. I especially hate that feeling of “I might have embarrassed myself, why did I do that, why did I say that, did that come off right, blah blah” I’m learning to take a chill pill and simply say “so what if I did?” Good luck in your search for love. Of course it’s his loss, and of course you’re worth it, most of all because YOU think so, and that’s enough :)

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/bakhita/ bakhita

    @mwesh (dropped @ruthmwende I see ;) your words are very, very true. Regret is such a hollow feeling, its like a black hole sucking everything into itself. Looking back at these past months, I’m glad I took that moment to eb real with myself. Now I have no regrets, I made my peace witht he situation

    @miamor YAAAAAAY *hands you a bar of chocolate* hehe thanks for the kind words and for being a member of the WTF-Did-I-Just-Do face :P

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