There is nothing like a little quiet time to gain perspective. To sit quietly with one’s thoughts often filters out the noise and the ‘noise’ all around you until like carefully kneaded bread dough in an oven, clear thoughts rise at the appropriate time.
Of the traits I love-hate about myself is my ego/pride. Its what makes me go over past work with,well, pride. It is also that which makes me look at my past with a face like this –> ¤_¤
I know I’m not the only one who has made mistakes [oh such comfort in that thought ] and I’m nowhere near stopping to make them. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling gutted every time I do.
Certain mistakes however, rise-like the aforementioned dough-above everything else and it is mostly upon them that my mind dwells. The sad ol’ mistakes of the heart and the way in which I handled certain situations and the repetitive nature of the same.
I once heard of a curious character in Greek mythology [if I’m not mistaken] Cassandra was her name and she was cursed with visions of the future and lived a life of ridicule and shame because nobody believed her tales. [Ok maybe because she foretold doom?!?] Anyway a couple of times I have wished to have Cassandra’s ‘curse’ which as I think about it now would be hella depressing and wouldn’t suit my purpose. But what if we could see the future? Would we really be happier? Its like that age old question we never really know how to answer, would you want to know when and how you will die? Hoi! Of course this desire to want to know my future is really about my wanting to know a certain future, my romantic future.
The heart is a curious thing, so powerful and yet so fragile. But I don’t need to tell you that, and in actual fact better writers and poets have explored this ironic and tragically beautiful phenomenon. In any case we are supposed to learn from life’s experiences right? Supposed to dust ourselves off and soldier on to that promise land of ‘better days’ eh? Well I don’t know about tomorrow but this moment right here is that second before the heart’s fail-safes kick in. This is me realizing that before anything else I must mourn for love lost. Real or imagined. Putting to rest the hand wringing thoughts of ‘what if’ and facing the sobering truth that he has made the conscious choice to be absent.
As my ego/pride wants to see it, it is most definitely his loss!
The girl who is a handful but so worth it.
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Some things are best left unsaid, while others are best said by others...allow me to say them all.