Why guys should always make the first move … well … sort of

Guys are slow. They don’t often fall in love at first sight. Lust, maybe, but not love. The average guy takes six months to really like a girl, while women fall head over heels in six minutes. Well, sometimes. The point is, a girl falls for a guy way faster than a guy falls for a girl.

That’s why we have all those breakdowns in communication. Girl meets boy, boy gets girl’s number, boy takes 3 days to use number. Sometimes it’s because he’s watched the playa movies, so he wants to keep her guessing and make sure he won’t look desperate. But most times, it’s that he took that long to realise he should probably call her.

Here’s the thing. When you’ve been seeing a girl for six months, you probably start to realize how much you like her. When she’s been seeing you for six months, she’s mentally trying on wedding dresses.

Of course, I’m the exception to every rule, but we’re talking on principle here.

I’m the kind of girl who asks guys out, and after doing it disastrously for over ten years, I’m ready to admit defeat. And it’s not for the usual reasons either. It’s not about scaring them away or being too assertive or even fear of looking desperate. It’s plain common sense. You could call it maths even.

Look. If it takes a girl six minutes to like a guy, and it takes a guy six months to like a girl, then think what would happen if they coupled.

Here’s Scenario One. Girl meets boy. Six minutes later, girl likes boy, so girl asks boy out. Assuming boy is brave enough not to run screamng for the cops, he susses out girl, decides she has nice assets, maybe likes her balls, decides to say yes. Boy then takes girls number … and waits three days before asking her out.

Now, assuming this is an ideal situation, and that the guy isn’t a weirdo, stalker, beach boy, or sugar-mummy-hunter, the dating goes well. After the first week, she’s still making the effort, texting, calling, proposing dates. After the first month, she wants to meet his boys, and he doesn’t see why she should. After the second month, she’s hunting out his sisters … and his exes … on facebook.

By month three, she’s hinting about anniversaries, family outings, and exclusivity. The boy knows he likes her vaguely, and he hasn’t asked anyone else out. Month four, she’s starting to hog his phone, and he doesn’t mind so much, even though he still occasionally flirts with the barmaid.

Six months down the line, he finally knows he likes her, and willingy mentions her to mum and sisters. By now he sees her regularly, texts without prompting, and actually factors her into his plans. If she’s still around.

In the prior five months, the girl was probably doing all the work, calling him all the time, making plans, showing up at his house unannounced, practising borderline stalker behaviour. By month 2, her pride started beating her up for hankering after this man, By month three, her girls started beating her up for hankering after this man. By month four, she decided he wasn’t interested and walked away.

Now, let’s take Scenario 2. Let’s assume the average guy goes quietly through the first few weeks. He spots a girl he likes, watches her for a while, determines she doesn’t have a boyfriend, a husband, or a bill. That could take anything from 3 minutes to 3 weeks. He catches her eye, watches for signals that he won’t be shot down. The average guy won’t hit on you if he knows he has no chance, so in that sense, girls always make the first move.

Anyway, you give him the go-ahead and he starts a conversation. A month on, he asks her out. They go out, they have fun. He doesn’t call again for 3 weeks because … well … because guys do that.

Okay, let’s give him some benefit of the doubt. He calls after one week. He asks you out on a  group date. Nothing too cosy or personal. You’ll get maybe 2 minutes of alone time. He waits another couple of weeks before asking again, this time, maybe a double date, a party, or drinks and a ball game. By the end of month 2, he’s finally ready to be alone with you, though he’s probably thinking sex, not bonding.

Remember, we’re talking about a guy who likes you here. A guy who just finds you attractive will be hinting halfway through the first date. The ‘rule’ says to wait till the third date, though I don’t know how many guys use that.

Anyway, by month three [assuming you’re not chips funga] he begins to like you, and so on, and so forth.

Now here’s the thing. In Scenario One, you’ll be constantly second guessing, wondering why he doesn’t call, wondering why he won’t commit, trying to get him to commit, asking your girls why he won’t reply your texts, asking him why he won’t reply your texts, feeling like you’re doing things all on your own.

In Scenario 2, you’ll still be wondering and second guessing, but there’ll be no effort on your part. All you do is *cough*cough* patiently sit and wait. You’re allowed to be asked out by other guys, and it’s cheaper too.

My argument here is this. If you chase a guy, he has no wiggle room or challenge. If you let him chase you, he has six stress free months to decide he really likes you. Then you’re free to play your mind games, try out mental wedding dresses, and nag him to death. It’s entirely your choice.

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Crystal Ading' is a professional author, editor, rock lover and mother. Her work is available through threeceebee.com.

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  • Naomie

    Crystal, thanks for bringing this to light. As i read this post i already fitted all guys i have known into the two scenarios. I’m single and let me tell you i am bila time for bembelezaing a guy. In scenario one, i would be a goner by week 3, tired of waiting. Scenario two he would have irritated me to death, I’d be a goner again. Sheesh i need a manual is all I’m sayin, the games are too complex for me!

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/miamor/ Mia

    @Naomie….LOL. This had my mind a bit twisted. I don’t do the ask a guy out thing just coz it doesn’t mesh with what I want and plus I’d like a guy with ball, if nothing else, because those he should’ve been born with.

    @Crystal…I’m with Naomie. I need a manual, although I can’t really promise to read it :P Keep writing Crystal. Ur gooooood :)

  • http://www.miasaysyes.wordpress.com Miamor

    Ummm, Crystal I’m re-reading this because guess what? I met a guy – so to speak. It appears that it’s a scenario two. I’m not exactly known for my patience. He seems to like me but he’s sooooo taking his time and of course I’m not sure what he’s waiting for, LOL. Woooosaaaahhh….I’m going to give patience a try, let myself be asked out by other guys and give him space to think. Funny enough, he stopped by jana to pick me up so we could go hang with friends. How did you know this order of events? You have a help line I can call? Heheheh, keep writing. Clearly ur needed :)

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