I would like to lodge a formal complaint to someone, perhaps God, about these darn green things. I feel terrorized by them. I am offended that I can’t walk home or anywhere else for that matter without wondering from whence these nasty terrorists will appear. More importantly, I am on the constant look-out lest they land their nasty little wide legs on me! Ladies and gentlemen, this translates into a state of constant fear and it’s not funny or cute.
Allow me to state in my complaint the many ways in which they terrorize me.
1. They render me speechless
I literally can’t think beyond a few quickly uttered curse words once one is spotted. Even these choice words are uttered within the first nonasecond after which point I am rendered speechless, shaking like a leaf and making incomprehensible sounds of fear. A girl can’t live like this!
2. They interfere with my work
Let me be clear here: I am a mature, hard working, clear headed, lively person. I am also quite good at my job, which requires me to stand infront of groups of people and provide/present information in a clear, concise, understandable and fun manner. Imagine what it must do to my image when, I see one and promptly shriek, clam up and/or leave the room until this green bodied offender is either murdered or gently escorted (read: thrown) out. Let’s just say that it puts my professionalism into question.
3. They are threatening to interfere with my personal hygiene
Simply put, I am willing to skip a shower and you can forget about me brushing my teeth because these pests love to get into my bathroom area. I once begged my mother (yes, you read that right) to go into the bathroom and rescue me from one that was still in there before I could take a shower. She did as requested, except that she then proceeded to come out with two instead of the one previously spotted! I swear this is starting to feel personal!
4. They are interfering with my diet
OK, maybe this one isn’t so bad. Basically, I will skip any, as many and all meals for as long as there is the presence of one of these creatures. Great for my horizontally-expanding waistline but bad for the rest of me i.e. the “me” that loves to eat home cooked food.
I’m not sure why these damn things are whiling their time away, endlessly flying into fluorescent light bulbs en masse but I do know that I’m ready for this to be over so Lord, if your listening, please rescue your very frightened, harassed, annoyed, terrorized child from these flying grasshoppers.
Thank you in advance
Since I have ranted for this whole column, I will skip any additional ranting and go straight to raving.
- No pun intended but I went out raving this weekend and may I just give a SHOUT-OUT to Tamasha Hurlingham for their very great entertainment. More specifically, I would like to rave about the DJ at Tamasha who was spinning on Sunday night till dawn. Dude/Chica, you were FREAKING AWESOME! Thank you for an unforgettable night. Needless to say, what happens in Tamasha stays in Tamasha – for good reason
- I’m raving about my friend LNT. You’re an amazing friend and person to know and love. I feel very blessed to have you in my life and plus it’s so great to have you around. I love you. ALOT. Mwah!
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When Mia isn't ranting or raving, she keeps a blog in an attempt to live her life to the fullest. Her exploits can be found on "The Yes Trail" at www.miasaysyes.wordpress.com