All in a day’s work

Musing between how to end it or make it work…surely things cannot be this hard? Not if two people are really truly interested in sorting out the important issues? What else could he do after he realized that he couldn’t love her the way she wanted to be loved? At least not now…he was hurting too much about so many issues that she couldn’t understand. Yet he wondered why it was so difficult to reach her when she had seemed so approachable in the beginning. Maybe it was just the same cycle of coming round full circle; loving the same kind of distant, unavailable woman each time, no matter what he tried.

Today it was the heated matter of “boundaries” in relationships especially in marriage. He quipped that marriage by its very institution was sacred on its own and those coming into it ought to know that it already comes with set boundaries. It is now a unique and exceptional relationship where you choose to remain loyal and faithful to one. Her stance that she was right in pursuing other interests because her needs weren’t being met were irrelevant, he raved.

And couldn’t it just simply be a matter of sharing one’s viewpoint on the matter? Why did it have to be dissected so much while he was psycho-analysed?

It seemed to him that, of late, she was always looking for a bone of contention…getting him angry and responsive at all costs. Was this what other husbands faced in their homes? If so then mankind was doomed! There was no one in their right mind who would be happily contemplating walking down the aisle after he shared his experiences!

Then topics quickly veered off towards the thorny issue of in-laws and their ‘nosy-ness’ in marriages; which set the ball rolling on a precarious tangent. Surely one person did not have to bear the brunt of what a ‘kirinde’ (group) were being faulted for, she asked? This was insane! Why not deal with people on an individual basis? He felt choked with anger. She couldn’t see where he was going with this…how her non-committal attitude towards her parents’ and siblings’ unsolicited involvement in their lives was causing them such angst. He tried to reason with her to no avail. He defeatedly told her to handle them as she wished. He was too tired to argue over this anymore.

As always, it ended in disaster no matter what tactic he tried to apply. Coaxing, suggestion, role play, innuendo… it was all lost on her. She gave off this air of emotional fragility that made others want to protect her yet he often had the overwhelming urge to shake her to her senses. Even when he tried to suggest counseling (God forbid!), she remained hard headed. This marriage was slipping away; being eaten at the roots by immovable resolution and “irreconcilable differences” he smiled wryly at the oft-used celebrity expression for separations and divorce.

Maybe it was best if he let the chips fall where they may. Maybe he was trying to support and hold on to a mirage (something that didn’t really exist except in his imagination). Maybe it was time to finally have some peace and quiet at home (in his heart). After all, trust was still a biggie. He couldn’t trust her again; not after the last three episodes where he had expressly told her of his displeasure and discomfort about repeated late working hours that has resulted in her having an affair with one of her male “friends”; emotional albeit, but an affair of the heart just the same. He needed to come to terms with this.

Now here she was defending her tuff when it came to her extended family. Did he really come first with her? Did he still need to be fighting for that position in her heart this far down the line? Maybe she needed a reality check. Surely he couldn’t be treated like any other man she related with every so often while she expected preferential treatment? If his repeated attempts to reach out for understanding from her on such key issues wasn’t an indication of his continued commitment to her, then he might as well throw in the towel. He didn’t know what else she wanted.

He found himself debating the merits and demerits of calling Samson this late in the night to mediate and offer a level head. But what would that change this time round? How long did people need to endure cycles of abuse before they caved in?

He decided to give up this time and stop trying- it wasn’t worth it anymore. It always seemed he was more interested in mending fences whereas she was keen to let them while on by. Well, let things be….all in a day’s work.

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Christine is passionate about working with high achieving women who are not where they want to be. She teaches them how to communicate with Confidence and Clarity towards Personal Fulfillment, Living Passionately and impacting their world. An Events Consultant at Sauti Events & Audio Consultancy (https://www.sautieventsandaudio.kbo.co.ke), and Motivational Speaker with FINE WOMEN Motivational Forum, she is an avid reader and enjoys making friends, travelling, the theatrical arts and cookery. "Entertainia" is her middle name...

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/cyiengi/ cyiengi

    How we need to make an effort to understand each others point of view…can you imagine just how pained the other must feel in such a situation?

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/quill/ Mwesh

    Christine,am going to tell you that honestly there are people who that others the way the lady treated her husband.Not due to anything but just for self satisfaction.And I believe that when she is her circle of friends she really brags the way she has a man who can do anything for her.Sometimes as women(not all of them,just the few crazy ones) we treat our partners like they are not worth it,and I ask if you knew that you would treat this person that way why in the world did you say YES on the wedding day.Stay single and enjoy your single-hood of hopping and shopping around for the single available and unattached men instead of breaking a promise that you made in front of God and man.Its rather unfair and that’s when bolting and leaving is the only option.As a human being one can only take up to so much.

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/cyiengi/ cyiengi

    Hi Mwende,
    Its amazing how human emotion can play such havoc on relationships… Am glad about your feedback. Many times we just need the tools or someone believing in us enough for us to open up to the truth of what’s really going on beneath the surface. Life is never a straight path; the curve balls come in a flurry or at a lazy pace. preparation is the key…commitment and flexibility will usually make it easier to manouevre.

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/quill/ Mwesh

    I certainly agree with you.Again not all human beings know the curves of life are a testing ground of their perseverance but yah we got to deal with what comes our way

  • http://lily.co.ke/members/cyiengi/ cyiengi

    Mwesh, glad to have you join the conversation. Its a scene that plays out ever so often in many facets of life…we just need to be shown what and how to manage these aspects of life…

  • Africangel

    Wow….. I see this everyday… everytime I turn around… in my former friends’ marriages (because I cannot honestly stand to be around anyone who thinks they need to justify every wrong and they can never be wrong anyway). A soft word, an apology has almost always turned away anger. Total communication breakdown here, and someone pretending to be who they are not. I could substitute every she for he and still find someone to fit the mould. Why can’t we ever learn to communicate, to love unconditionally, to appreciate when we have a good thing, and to always remember that in a marriage my spouse comes first?

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