Ask Lily: Am pregnant with his child & he cheated on me

hi lily,

i am a 25 year old unmarried woman. i have a 3 year old son from a previous relationship and am 3 months pregnant with my current boyfriend of over a year. my situation is very difficult because i am going through a struggle with homelessness and being away from my son. my boyfriend has been there for me when i was unhappy and when i took things out on him that was not his struggle. he is 23 and no kids. i am his longest relationship however, mine is 5 years with my sons father. so i am pregnant with his first child. i found out that he was cheating on the morning at 4am after his birthday. his phone kept vibrating in a shoe under the bed and i have been suspicious by his actions before this but wanted to trust him. i knew his password to his voicemail but he didnt know i knew. so at 4am i checked it and heard a woman who was calling him baby and how come he didnt call her etc, etc. i stole his sim card and the next day talked to the girl. no sex took place but it still hurts to know that because he couldnt talk to me due to rules at the shelter, that he was talkin and seeing her. now that he has been caught, i still want to make it work, im having his baby. he tells me he doesnt want to lose me and that he asked god for a woman like me to love him and im her, he says he started to like her but that she means nothing compared to me and he wants to marry me and be a family. i know that if i dont learn to trust him i could push him away again. i tell him he needs to understand what he has done to my heart and he agrees. i still know his password and he said he wont change it. i guess, im asking if it is possible that he means what he says and he wont cheat on me again, or is he just lying. he doesnt want me to stress with the baby but i told him he is better to tell me now so i can get over it and not wait til the baby gets here so he can leave. he tells me again that he loves me, hes sorry he hurt me, he was wrong and we were going through problems. since that day(only last week) i try to do more to satisfy him, i give him a massage, cook dinner and breakfast, make love the best i can to him, but i dont know if it is gonna work, how do i know if he will or has stopped? i want to believe him, he agreed to counseling but we cant afford that. do you have any advice for me?


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  • Mburu

    This is quiet heart rending. If the guy truly loves you, he shouldn’t continue seeing another girl. There is a likelihood that the man is still grappling with identity crisis – unsure about being a father or leave his post-teen fantasies. He needs to be counselled in making the right decision and you, to be able to live strong in heart and body.
    For all the intent and purpose, you deserve the best, not heart breaks which will lower your self-esteem as you grow. If both of you need counselling I would be more willing to offer for free.

  • Lawrence

    Josie, your relationship has a number of complications. First of all he is younger than you are. Secondly, this is your second child and his first. This should already tell you that your maturity levels are not the same at all. I presume that this other lady is probably younger or at least age mates with him, which says that what he was probably looking for is someone to better identify with.
    Massaging, dinner, sex etc are all good things, but you also need to remember that the two of you are not a married couple. You are two young people in their prime, and him more so. Try to do the things young people do, like going out, traveling, watching movies etc, while he gradually comes to terms with the fact that life has changed with this child coming along. Be his Girlfriend, not his Wife.
    Counseling is good, but it could push him even further into his cocoon if he feels attacked.
    If you love him, take him slow, he is 23 for heaven’s sake!

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