How to beat a player?

crystal dingsI heard a very interesting concept from a very unlikely source. Three weeks later, I’m still in awe. The source said that when a man is ready to get married, he does. When a woman isn’t ready to get married, she doesn’t. But when a man isn’t ready to get married, a woman can convince him. Therefore then [did I just give my school away?] the key to a happy marriage is to be with a man who is ready.

Makes sense in theory. If it’s his decision, he’ll do what it takes to make the marriage work. Whereas if you force him, he will eventually get bored, cut, and run. So don’t waste time, effort and misery playing ‘here comes the bride’, dragging him to infinite weddings, wishing on Secrets DVDs and saying ‘I do’ in your ‘sleep’. If you’re ready and he isn’t, leave him and find someone who is, coz you could be waiting a looooooong time.

I suppose the same principle applies to dating and chasing. The reason lots of relationships fail is that the girl tricked the boy into dating her. Probably she was too forward, or he was too slow, or both. Either way, she got her man. But then, surprise surprise, he soon felt skirted and bored, so chose to cheat and run.

I’m one of those girls that chase. Usually because I’m too impatient to wait for a pretty boy to find his voice, so I jump in and find it for him. But a pseudo-player I’m related to had a few sage words to say about this. [Pseudo because he knows the rules but doesn’t use them.]

I will dispense this advice, now.

One, a kiss is not a kiss unless he says it’s a kiss. To some people, a kiss [and even a shag] is simply a full-body handshake, it doesn’t mean anything. So unless the kisser subsequently initiates ‘the talk’, just assume it’s a handshake on the lips and proceed as normal. The kiss does not necessarily mean you have slipped out of TFZ … The Friend Zone.

Two, the average boy prefers to chase, so don’t do it for him. Not if you’re looking for something serious.

Three, if you want a fling, chase to your heart’s content. The resultant ego boost will ensure optimum [though shortlived] performance from your prey. GAG (girl-ask-guy) arrangements do not generally promote longevity.

Four, if you want to ask a guy out (and have him say yes), play it right. Be patient. Double standards are not imaginary. While a guy can spot a pretty girl and ask her out on sight, the reverse applies for a girl. Ask a boy out on sight and he will run. You need to sorora/weigh-weigh/do the eye-flirt first, get talking, see him three or four times in a mass setting before you try to get him alone for coffee/tea/drinks/any-appropriate-substitutional-beverage.

But remember that much as he may enjoy your company, you’re not future-able if you asked him out first.

And five, there is an exception to every rule, including this one. Above-average boys do exist. I’m just saying.

Still, generally speaking,  it’s probably better to wait for a seriously devoted guy who will actually make the effort to get you, than force on one who’s scared or undecided, down for whatever, has a ‘nothing to lose’ view of you, or is only in it for the ride.

Of  course there are guys who only ask you out for the challenge you pose. And I suppose a good way to sift those ones from genuine longterm interest is the period of time before he tries for a shag. A guy who sees longterm prospects with a girl usually takes long[er than average] before he aims horizontal. Conquests, on the other hand, are sunk in six seconds or less.

Just my twenty cents.

So, how do you beat a player? Well, you don’t. If they were beatable, they wouldn’t be players.

But as I was told, even players fall in love, and when they do, two things can happen. A, they will pursue you and convince you they’ve changed. Whether they have or not only time will tell, and all I can wish the girl is good luck. Should you choose to be with a guy like this, you have to forget the past, start on a blank, and learn tae-kwon-do for all the exes who will inevitably show up, since you can only play the ‘there is no spoon nagging-ex-preying-upon-my-insecurities’ game for so long.

Option two is that they will realise this is the girl that can get them whipped and string them up, so they will run for the hills. So if a known player runs from you – before he scores that is – you should take it as a good sign. Chances are he’s seen something he likes, he’s just not ready for it yet. Don’t wait around though, coz the ‘getting ready’ could take a while, and you could be miserable for a long time playing the waiting game.

You’re better off finding a nice ready guy who won’t keep you pending. And how can you tell? Easy, he’ll ask you out. He’ll treat you nice. He’ll try to be the perfect gentleman because he wants you to like him. And he won’t allude to sex on the first date. Probably not even on the second or third.

But then again, he could also be gay…

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Crystal Ading' is a professional author, editor, rock lover and mother. Her work is available through