Ask Lily: Will my boyfriend stop cheating

i have been in a relationship with peter for 3yrs now and have been living together for two yrs.about four months ago i left his house after a fight we had and soon discovered that he cheated on me while i was away. he denied it and i decided to look the other way with fear of loosing him.

although everything is fine between us now, i no longer trust him and have problems believing that he will remain faithful to me. things have gotten so bad that i feel like i am going insane. i listen in on his phone conversations, i crosscheck his stories to ensure he did not lie, i go through his text messages and also through his receipts in his jeans. i am also having nightmares about him cheating on me again and i have dreamt over and over again of his mistresses pushing me off a cliff.

i am madly in love with this man but i also cant live like this. should i talk to him about it( although he is horrible at communication and may still deny he cheated) or should i let go? do i need psychiatric help? is this behavior normal?

Ciku

***

Hi Ciku

In the first place, are you absolutely sure he cheated? He denies it, do you have proof that he’s lying? My policy is that unless I catch you in mid-coitus and see it with my own eyes, it didn’t happen. There have been too many cases of forged photos, faked videos, people spiking someone’s drink and putting them in compromising positions, or just plain old jealous friends and relatives cooking up stories.

Cheating is a tricky thing, because once somebody does it, you can never be sure they won’t do it again. And once somebody gets caught cheating, if the care about the relationship, they will make sure they are never caught again. So you might think that your partner has reformed, yet all they are doing is covering their tracks better.

That said, trust is a choice. When you’re with someone, you simply decide to trust them. Whether or not they abuse that trust is none of your business; by trusting them you have done your part.

By getting back with your allegedly cheating boyfriend, you have chosen to trust him. Live with it. Stop checking his phone, reading his texts or spying on him. That’s stupid. If you don’t trust him, leave. If you do trust him, move on.

Cheating is something you can forgive once. Stop going out of your way to bust him. If you catch him again, it shouldn’t be because you were snooping. Snooping will only push into another girl’s arms.

But, I insist, always use condoms. Always always always. A person who loves you will protect you, and if he refuses or gets defensive, then clearly he does not care for you.

Aunt Tabby

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  • Wacu

    have you ever heard of the notion that you attract things into your life?..the more paranoid you get the more you are likely to find what u r looking for.If you don’t trust him then talk to him about it.if there is no sufficient reason to stay leave..the more you do this the more it will get ingrained in your system and when you do leave this relationship, the more likely it is that you will do the same thing in the next

  • Liz

    I beleive there is nothing like a man cheating on you and accepting or even saying ‘im sorry’ even in a situation u find him in the act.

    You fight, he cheats on you and you still think that thinks will work out….

    U mean u love him more than u love yourself? U say u getting insane, honestly this leaves alot to be desired from you.

    The fact that u also listen in on his phone conversations, you crosscheck his stories to ensure he did not lie, go through his text messages and also through his receipts in his jean etc etc tells it all that u no longer trust him. The most difficult thing u shuld ever think of is thriving in a rlshp that is not based on faithfulness and trust. Please wanaume ‘hawachungwi’. U will be stressed to death.

    Ciku you have the answer. Walk out of that relationship before its too late.

    Wish you the best.

  • Dusu

    There is no relationship in this world that would thrive without communication. Do you know that if you had had such good communication with him, you wouldn’t have left in the first place? You would have stayed and tried to work things out, no matter how hard or big the problem seemed at the time. And if he had a problem, he would have called you and told you what exactly was eating him instead of cheating on you. If he had never done it before, it was his way of ‘hiding’ from the fact that you had left. However, if he had done it before you left, sister, pack up your things and go.

    Sit him down, no one else will save your relationship but YOU. Talk and tell him how you feel, ask him about him cheating on you. Do not assume anything, do not undermine his presence (men tend to have an ego about them). Do not be afraid to be generous with praise of how the relationship was before you left / or before you found out he was cheating. Let him know you’re ready to work it out, and you’re ready to trust him again (encourage yourself that you don’t have to be on his back all the time. You tend to take even the simple rtshps with his female colleagues as a threat if you don’t.)

    Teach him how to talk, to communicate, to express his feelings without expecting reprove. Change will come slowly, it is gradual. Find some time everyday to talk about anything and everything – from how your day was to how you/he wants you/him to love you, perform in bed, spend your cash e.t.c. Such are few of the many ways to get him to open up.

    Trust your heart. Go where it leads you. If after all this you see no change, then it’s the door for you. But if you see him at least try to get hold of his footage in this relationship, he would appreciate a helping hand and that you be there right beside him to guide him through.

    Good Luck!

  • Lawrence

    Aunt Tabby, i think trust is earned, not freely given. Trusting someone blindly is plain stupid to me.
    Ciku, if this only happened once, after you guys had a fight, then you better talk to him about it, if you have PROOF that is. It seems to me he only did it probably to punish you for saying something hurtful during the fight. I wouldn’t brand him a cheat.
    If he ever discovers that you have been playing detective with him, you might destroy your relationship permanently. Just handle this like an adult.

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