Ask Lily: Will my boyfriend stop cheating

Ask Lily is a column on The Lily Review where users can post questions or dilemmas they may be going through and other members of the community can respond with possible solutions. Click here to send in your question. Share you solutions or thoughts in the comments.

i have been in a relationship with peter for 3yrs now and have been living together for two yrs.about four months ago i left his house after a fight we had and soon discovered that he cheated on me while i was away. he denied it and i decided to look the other way with fear of loosing him.

although everything is fine between us now, i no longer trust him and have problems believing that he will remain faithful to me. things have gotten so bad that i feel like i am going insane. i listen in on his phone conversations, i crosscheck his stories to ensure he did not lie, i go through his text messages and also through his receipts in his jeans. i am also having nightmares about him cheating on me again and i have dreamt over and over again of his mistresses pushing me off a cliff.

i am madly in love with this man but i also cant live like this. should i talk to him about it( although he is horrible at communication and may still deny he cheated) or should i let go? do i need psychiatric help? is this behavior normal?



Hi Ciku

In the first place, are you absolutely sure he cheated? He denies it, do you have proof that he’s lying? My policy is that unless I catch you in mid-coitus and see it with my own eyes, it didn’t happen. There have been too many cases of forged photos, faked videos, people spiking someone’s drink and putting them in compromising positions, or just plain old jealous friends and relatives cooking up stories.

Cheating is a tricky thing, because once somebody does it, you can never be sure they won’t do it again. And once somebody gets caught cheating, if the care about the relationship, they will make sure they are never caught again. So you might think that your partner has reformed, yet all they are doing is covering their tracks better.

That said, trust is a choice. When you’re with someone, you simply decide to trust them. Whether or not they abuse that trust is none of your business; by trusting them you have done your part.

By getting back with your allegedly cheating boyfriend, you have chosen to trust him. Live with it. Stop checking his phone, reading his texts or spying on him. That’s stupid. If you don’t trust him, leave. If you do trust him, move on.

Cheating is something you can forgive once. Stop going out of your way to bust him. If you catch him again, it shouldn’t be because you were snooping. Snooping will only push into another girl’s arms.

But, I insist, always use condoms. Always always always. A person who loves you will protect you, and if he refuses or gets defensive, then clearly he does not care for you.

Aunt Tabby

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