We aint dogs, we are just men!

happy brown dogAllow me to repeat this admonition, we are not DOGS! I have read many articles, heard many talk shows, listened to my female counterparts yap their voices hoarse, even heard the tirades of women who just walked in on their knights mounting stray horses. The passion and determination with which such women brand men as dogs is appalling in the least.

I personally hold great contempt at the mere thought of being compared to a third rate creature that poops with little regard for location, yells in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, drools shamelessly at the sight of fatty meat and is doomed for eternity to hold the position of servant to whoever can provide it with the requisite meals each day. I am actually yet to reconcile the sexual orientation of dogs and those men who have erred in their ways and hence earned us this demeaning title. Why dogs? Why not cheetahs, or lions, or leopards? As far as my knowledge of biology goes, all these cats have similar mating patterns. So, seriously, why dogs!!?

I took the liberty to consult with a few of my more liberal members of the fairer sex and got a number of interesting comparisons. Apparently, men will gape and drool at almost every passing half exposed bosom and every gyrating behind (read dogs and fatty meat!), if men feel that they are not getting their fill from their homes, they will venture out into the next available shelter that offers to fulfill their needs (apparently dogs do the same), men do not fathom commitment, love and perseverance; like the proverbial horse, the only way to keep them in the race is to hold the red cloth suspended in front of their noses (curiously, a similar phenomenon applies to dogs!), and finally, just like dogs, if they are hungry, the identity of the person offering the meat is of little if any concern, all they care about is the meat!

Suffice to say that by the time my liberal friends were done demystifying this mystery to me, the looks on their faces suggested that I was better of leaving since, writer or not, at that point I was just that, a dog. I wish to state that I think the ladies are horribly mistaken in this notion, and on behalf of all men, I beg to differ and consequently convince you otherwise.

First of all, we are not dogs, we are just men. Let me elaborate. Basic history will tell you that in virtually all ancient African societies, men were not only allowed, but expected to manage a household composed of at least several wives. A man’s status in society was for the greater part dictated by how many females answered to his call for conjugal duty in the affirmative. Dig a little further and you will realize that such ills as adultery and fornication that ail the world we live in currently were for the most part unheard of. A man had no reason to be unfaithful since, if his connubial needs were not being met
by the women currently in his homestead, all he had to do was scout the neighborhood for a fresh face and after paying the required dowry, get himself a ‘gachungwa’ with all the blessings of the gods!

Then the 20th century arrived with a vengeance, hit us repeatedly straight in the groin with such tools as the clawed affirmative action hammer and the round headed gender equality mallet. Before we knew it,our basic rights were slowly degenerating from frowned upon actions, to questionable behavior and eventually outright sinful misdemeanors. Progress and modernization became to men what the allies were to Germany in the Second World War, a negative force to be reckoned with. I have to hail the women at this point. Your valiant, conniving efforts are now bearing fruits. You now occupy high offices, you now somehow manage to get some men (no, not me! Never!) to kiss your feet, you have even come to the point where you can ask your selves, do we really need these men!?

This is where you went wrong. In your quest for freedom, you forgot one basic principle. Men will always be men. The same hombre who a century ago would have adequately satisfied a hundred women’s needs, now has to content himself with doing the same for one woman, ONE!! That’s like telling Microsoft to stop supplying windows to the rest of the world and concentrate on Kenya only! Not only is it unthinkable, it’s the ultimate show of retrogression!! We have not changed, and we won’t ever change, not in a million years. To men, women will always be objects of physical pleasure and bringing forth the next generation, regardless of their social standing, level of education or even number of honors received. We might change our tactics to include showing concern, love, respect, support and whatever other soap opera stunt you expect us to pull. The goal will however always be the same, to fulfill our conjugal rights, which sadly, we now have to break a few rules to achieve.

Am I advocating for cheating husbands and philandering bachelors? Not in the least. All I am saying is that you have launched into a series of fights with the societal status quo with little regard for whether you will eventually win the war, a one sided war in which your adversary (the men) sits comfortably and laughs with scorn at your every move, confident that its all a futile attempt. Maybe, just maybe, if you all took a moment to consider what we want as men, what we need as men, then you wouldn’t have to resort to branding us titles that are in the least, insults.

***

In a review of this article I wrote a while back about things never to say to a man, my reviewer here questioned whether a couple can’t be at that point in their relationship where they can ask or tell each other anything, including those in my list. To her, I only have one thing to say. Show me a couple who have no problem discussing each other’s sexual exploits with an ex and I will show you a couple of shameless pretenders!

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Lawrence is the guy next door; A young, aspirational Kenyan gentleman; But most of all, a romantic soul in search of true love.

  • Crystal

    Dogs are also fiercely loyal to their … um … feeders, convenient when leashed and/or neutered, extremely cuddly when sated, and would risk their lives to save and protect you, so it’s not aaaall bad, yeah? ;-)

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