Kula-ring the ngingi

crystal dingsIf you don’t know what that means, you don’t need to know.

It’s been that kind of a weekend. Deep thoughts, deeper insights, and a long-overdue post on gymnastics. Now, a lot of guys complain that their women are on a ngingi diet. But I know more than a few girls who are quite big fans of gymnastics. I think it’s all the somersaulting and spinning and twirling.

Oprah and her pals say gymnastics is a big issue in tennis. One partner always wants more (or less?) It’s generally assumed that the hassled partner is the girl. But here’s a thought for you, straight out of Genesis … I’m trying to remember the exact words. Well, the message is that “the woman shall be subject to her husband, but her desire shall be for him.”

Translation, the guy will call the shots, and the girl won’t like it. He picks the restaurant, holds the menu, selects the dish …[and pays the bill?] The girl is there as a spectator, who will enjoy the meal if she gets lucky, or if the guy knows her well enough and cares to order what she likes. BUT, she will still get hungry, and want the whole deal. Here’s the question, if she doesn’t enjoy eating out, then why would this be a punishment?

These words were part of Eve’s punishment for feeding Adam the rotten apple. They come with ‘more pain at childbirth’, which suggests a bedroom lean. Now, roll with me for a bit here. The punishment was bedroom-based. It translates to guys calling the horizontal shots. So then, why do you suppose it’s guys, the ones in charge, that complain?

We assume [gentle]men have bigger appetites. I suggest that they don’t. I suggest that ladies enjoy sugar as much as – if not more than – the guys. They just give in to the craving less often. Why? Because they have to. It’s their only weapon. Biologically, chemically, biblically the girl is the underling. So she wields her ‘weapon’ by rationing.

Mothers, aunts and even uncles teach them to do it. A good girl is never ‘hungry’, and from kindergarten they’re told to ’sit properly’ to avoid making men hungry. They’re taught to play hard to get, and even when they get married and have carte blanche as far as frequency is concerned, they are 1. too used to rationing and 2. have realized how useful rationing can be.

The reason men are on diets is not because women eat less, it’s because women limit their intake for power. Plain and simple.

Of course there are a few of us who like good things in plenty. But we end up with a problem too. The guys are pre-programmed to call the shots. It’s genetic. Adam was given the keys to Eve’s timetable, and all his progeny got the biological and psychological drive to use those keys.

So if us daughters of Eve try to siphon extra fuel, the drivers get uncomfortable and get out of the car. ’Shut up and drive’ is not a phrase many men like to hear, not even from Rihanna. They think about it, they long for it, they whine about it, they even pray for it, but when they get it, nine chances out of ten they’ll take off screaming.

And they certainly won’t marry ‘it’. Date it for a while, sure, boast to the boys at the local, def. Call it on Menatalacrobatic’s Booty Call Tariff, absolutely. But marry? They’ll find a nice quiet Eve who plays by the rules for that.

What’s my point? Clearing up some fallacies. One, women like gymnastics more than men. That’s why we were put ‘under’ the men as a punishment. Unfortunately for guys, we learnt to turn the punishment on our jailers. And unfortunately for 21st century girls, that weapon turned around and bit us where it hurts most. Chips beba doesn’t satisfy nice girls.

Two, if you go against biblical nature and ignore your punishment, your teammate will not be happy. For one thing, they like to lead. And for another, they like to have a full tank when they hold the keys. So if you try to jump start the vehicle, you’ll have to push it all the way to Shell BP, and that’s no fun for either of you.

Number 3. As I keep saying, chilling, has its place. It tames the Eve-ning appetite and gives Adam a chance to fill up his fuel tanks.

And four, if your name is Eve, stick to PCs. It’s best for everyone.

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Crystal Ading' is a professional author, editor, rock lover and mother. Her work is available through threeceebee.com.