Let’s start with the things you say. I have been with my fair share of women, probably other people’s fair share as well thanks to a few God given gifts. One of the biggest problems I have had are the things that come out of your vocal chords when either at the heat of the moment, in the face of competition, when your girlfriends insinuate that he doesn’t love you anymore and in many other such situations. So here is a simple list which any blonde should be able to grasp at a moment’s glance. It is important for you to realize that just as you interpret the things we say in a bizarrely differing ways, so do we. And its not intentional, or vengeance for all the trauma you’ve caused us, its simply the male psychology.
So where is this going?
If we haven’t asked you out, there is only one possible explanation, we are not ready yet. As for your question, it was heading somewhere until you said these 5 killer words. We are slow by nature, we don’t like to be rushed, and we really hate it when you try to take control of the situation. Just let us do it our way. And if you are tired of waiting, well, move on! Who’s holding
you back?
Where did you learn that?
This question is fine if I just cooked you a delicious dinner, or repaired your computer, or did your hair, or pulled a dance move or any other innocent action for that matter. But if we were under the sheets, what kind of answer are you expecting? Ok, if you really have to know, I learnt it from an XXX-rated magazine. Happy?
I have had a crush on you like since…
Trust me dear, we know! And all my friends know, and all your friends know, and some of them told me like ages ago, even before it struck me. Truth is you ladies are not very good at hiding it when you have a crush on us. Unfortunately, it kills the thrill and mystery of the chase. Imagine if all of a sudden gold lost all its value and glamour. That’s what happens when we know you already like us. Please don’t tell us, and tell your friends to shut up about it, and try your level best to hide it. Ok, who am I kidding, we both know you can’t do it!
Of all my boyfriends, you are the best
Oh reaaaallly!! Have you read my previous article about men and pride? If you haven’t, go read it then come back. Let me break it down for you; men love challenge, we live for it. If I’m already the best, what more do I have to prove? Should I move on and find another girl to conquer? Keep me on my toes, just because you said yes doesn’t make me Superman. How about this, ‘Lawrence, I have to say, you blow my mind. Im just curious what else you can pull’. A simple way to spice up your relationship that many of you forget so easily.
My ex and i…Once my Ex…My Ex used to say…My Ex
WHO CARES!!! Ok, you wanna play this game? My Ex and I once did it in the Principal’s office. My Ex, whose bust was twice yours by the way, had this see through top she wore at home that would just kill me whenever I spent at her place, My Ex used to take yoga classes (know what that means?), My Ex and I once spent a romantic weekend at Maasai Mara, it was wild in every possible way!! Feel me?
We need to talk
These four words shut off a man’s brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. You see, we use these 4 words only once in our relationship’s life, that’s when we want to break up with you. So when you use them, we feel like the tables have suddenly turned on us and we will run so fast in the opposite direction you will wonder if you hooked up with a cheetah. Find other subtle ways of having serious conversation and we will listen.
Nothing’s wrong
You don’t pick up my call for 2 weeks, you don’t respond to my texts, when I pass by your office you act all busy arranging your boss’s desk and the look on your face doesn’t say you love me more than ever before, and you tell me Nothing’s wrong? If you are older than 20, you should have known by now that we’re not mind readers, so please talk! And don’t make us guess because—believe me—you won’t like what we come up with.
I don’t know (More precisely, aronnoooo!)
So which shoe do you like? Aronnoooo! Can we hook up for lunch tomorrow? Aronnoooo! You think you and I could be an item? Aronnoooo! Would you leave your boyfriend for me? Aronnoooo! Do we like it when you say Aronnoooo, YES!! What on earth does Aronnoooo mean? Ok, here’s a question babe, can I hook up with your cute friend, who likes me by the way, while you figure out if it’s a yes or a no? Aronnoooo!
Can we just be friends?
Let me share a secret with you ladies. All of us take “I just want to be friends” as “There’s still a chance,” so if there isn’t just make it a clean break and move on. You save yourself numerous irritating phone calls while of course saving us some credit (especially in this recession). A lady friend of mine told me you guys think it is polite. Its not! Do you know those guys who keep a lady hanging on to them, never completely committing themselves but at the same time being overly sweet? That’s the male equivalent to this line.
Am I fat?
What!!? No, you are crazy! Do I look like a gym instructor to you?
Do you think she’s pretty?
Of course we do, our standards are much lower than yours. But just because we check her out doesn’t mean we think any less of you. We try to be as discreet as possible, but how do you hide a mouth that is agape? It’s in our DNA. When an attractive woman walks by, how about you look at that cute guy in other side of the room? Coz we will definitely look at her, head to toe!
Do you know anyone for my friend?
Which one? The cute one who’s always in skimpy clothing or the ugly betty? I was kinda hoping the cute one would remain single just in case we, you know, ended this. As for the ugly one, are you kidding me? Ohh, wait a sec, I have this nerd in my class who’s always asking me to hook him up. Funny story, first time he asked me that, I asked him, ‘With what?’He! he! He! Back to the topic. My dear, I am not a dating consultant. How about you propose a group outing with my friends then you can hook your friend up with one of them? Without my help. Thank you! You’re the best!
What are you thinking about?
Ah, the girlie phrase that out-girlifies all others, including the classic “Do I look fat?” which now takes a close second. Once again, don’t make us tell you because—believe me—it wasn’t about how special our relationship is, though if you insist, that’s precisely what we will tell you. Barca had better defeat Man-U, otherwise those idiots will be boasting for the next 3 seasons!
It was only one time
The tale about that one night you made that one mistake with that one guy – no matter how hilarious – should stay in the vault, along with any other confession that involves alcohol, an ex and –God forbid-visits to the abortion clinic. No, wait, Id like to know about the abortion clinic, when I finally propose to you, not before. Sweety, this is a relationship, not a support group!
Be honest with me
This one could go oh-so-many ways. None of them good. These four words make a man’s stomach knot up even more than if you’d said “Let’s go to brunch with my 10 best girlfriends “. If you’re trying to get his read on something casual, like a new dress, tacking this on sends him the message that his opinion of the dress could be make-or-break (oh my God are you sure you want to wear that top with that tummy?). If it’s about something more serious, such as the DTR (define the relationship) talk, just ask him outright. Boys can become men and give their genuine opinion – if they’re given a chance. No, don’t laugh, I’m serious.
That looks cute
For the most part, men hate cute. We don’t want to hear about it, we don’t want to see it, and we sure as hell don’t want to be it. If we come down stairs after getting dressed and you tell us we look cute, there’s a 100 per cent chance we’re changing. We’re supposed to be your protector, your rock, and cute does not fit into that picture. Along with this goes such words as
Mellow, Harmless, Placid, Docile, thoughtful (especially with regards to the bedroom), and the deal breaker, OK. We hate Ok! How about Awsome, Handsome and any other adjective that ends with ‘some’?
That wasn’t so hard to learn, was it? Next time you meet your hubby, give him a passionate kiss and tell him “yes!” for once.
Update:
In a review of this article here my reviewer questioned whether a couple can’t be at that point in their relationship where they can ask or tell each other anything, including those in my list. To her, I only have one thing to say. Show me a couple who have no problem discussing each other’s sexual exploits with an ex and I will show you a couple of shameless pretenders!
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Lawrence is the guy next door; A young, aspirational Kenyan gentleman; But most of all, a romantic soul in search of true love.