Of Men Versus Women

Lawrence's TakeA man gets so agitated by the insolent behavior of other beings whom he considers to be his subjects and hence lesser beings, that in a fit of rage he bursts a blood vessel and dies. That, for those of you who are paupers of history is a true story, twice true actually.

A question pops up in my mind, what is the highest degree of anger that a person can be driven to? Another one follows suit, between men and women, which side  possesses a higher capacity for rage? What ticks a woman’s anger valves to palpitate at their most vigorous? How about a man’s?

A few weeks back I embarked on an odyssey that would culminate in women taking their proper place in this fiber that is the society we live in. That article sparked controversy in my wee bit of a fan base, with an ‘it-cant-be’ kind of admiration from the women and a ‘what-the-#@$&’ kind of reaction from the men. The men are of no concern to me as these articles are meant for the ladies. Given the reaction from the ladies, I felt obliged to write this equally sublime follow-up, so if you are a man, read on at your own peril.

It is an obvious fact that men are Proud. It also happens to be their major weakness. It is an even more obvious fact that women are emotional, and I have to say, sometimes too emotional. May I also add that many a lady feign pride as a defense mechanism, or a transparent veil rather for their feeble emotional tendons! I personally find it despicable when an iron lady suddenly transforms into an emotional wretch when some idiot of a man ‘breaks her heart’. As natural as crying should be for women, such scenes are gross and a huge marks deductor for all the real ladies out there! Can I get an Amen!? At this point I feel obliged to remind the ladies that I am an emissary of your true destiny, so take no offense.

Good people from the fairer gender, it is paramount that you bear in mind that any effort on your side to flip nature’s coin will spark a war, not a war of words, not a war of wills, not a war of swords and knives but the worst kind of war known to human kind, the war of passion. The good news is that in this kind of war your victory is assured. How do I know? Once again I am an emissary of your true destiny, will you pay attention please!? Now, listen carefully. In any war, there is only one sure way to win; Attack your enemy at their weakest point and fortify your weak points from any counter attack. If you don’t believe me, ask the Romans. The day they stopped following this rule was the day their collapse began, a fateful tale that begot the utter obliteration of the most formidable empire in ancient civilization. You my friends have stability of mind, strength of will, power to persevere, incredible sense of order and that one single effective tool that will always bring your foes, bishop and pervert alike, down to their knees, the amazing work of divine art that defines your femininity. With these weapons you can easily fortify your main weak point and have enough to spare to hit at the enemy. Having crossed that bridge, let us lay down your strategy for the attack.

You see, we men believe that we managed to put you in your place for all eternity. So entrenched is this belief that we have turned it into a norm, an ideal so tangible to us, which we have packaged and embossed the label EGO on it in pure gold. Just to paint the picture for you, Cain killed his brother Abel out of a little smoke misunderstanding, Achilles launched a whole assault on Troy to prove the gods wrong(I hope you know how that ended), King Henry VIII founded a whole church just to get a fertile damsel to keep his dynasty going, just recently Adolf Hitler fried a couple million Jews and figured he could conquer the whole of Europe, oh, then a few army guys decided to  undermine Mr. Moi in 1982 and we all know how that turned out. Are we communicating here? What I am trying to tell you is that we are not just proud, we worship our pride, we are willing to die for it, we are willing to kill for it, we will wipe out the whole human race if only to keep our egos intact! That, my dearest reader, is the kind of passion you have to deal with if you embark on this assault.

Does this scare you? Does it make you ask if maybe things are better off the way they are? Does the thought of 2 billion really angry men going on the rampage when you finally stir up the calm settled waters of their ocean of egos cause a chill down your spine? If it does, then please stop reading and go back to your cocoon of soap opera illusion of a lifestyle!! But I urge you to read on, because much as the truth hurts, only the truth can set you free, and nothing tastes better than freedom, not even revenge.

I have a plan; unfortunately it has to be delivered in coded language to prevent your adversaries from snooping and foiling this grand master takeover scheme. It shall be in the form of a series of short stories in this section of the Lily Review, so please keep visiting.

PS/ I have received death threats from unidentified people whom I assume to be men. I thus request for any protection that you ladies can offer. You know where to find me.

Other articles in this series
Of Men vs Women [Part 1]
Of Men vs Women [Part 2]
Of Men vs Women [Part 3]
Of Men vs Women [Part 4]

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Lawrence is the guy next door; A young, aspirational Kenyan gentleman; But most of all, a romantic soul in search of true love.

  • Crystal

    You’re very unsettling, but you’re also very funny. i suspect i shall keep reading, however much I may not want to admit it. Oh, and you write really really well too :)

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