Formation or Hypnotization? The Conspiracy Theory

Lawrence's TakeAncient Rome, around 200 BC, Caesars Palace, imperial resting room to be more specific, a stupid man, stupidly turned on by his sister’s sexual appeal, committed incest, but even worse because he actually raped her. That, my dear friends, was the birth of the monstress that is the conflict of genders, which sadly has strained its eerie tendons to the world we live in today. Not that no incest had been orchestrated before, but never before by a ruler of the greater world. Welcome to the conspiracy theory.

You see, creation and the subsequent forces of time have shaped human culture into believing one quite distorted notion, stately, ‘Don’t bang your sister and ensure to the best of your capacity that no one else does so’. The clause then has a sub-clause that goes, ‘Bang anyone else!’. The fact that ‘anyone else’ means all other people’s sisters escapes the twisted selfish mass of cells that is the male mind. And yes, for you slow folks, this rule only applies to the 3 legged members of our species.

If you are someone who subscribes to the above mentioned piece of crap, please stop reading this article, because this is classified information. Ladies, did you know that that place that your local pastor talks about, called hell, where all bad people will go to after they die, is only reserved for men? This life right here my dearest members of the fairer sex, is your living hell! True story! And did you know that it is actually Eve who was created first and Adam subsequently cloned from her rib? Shhhhh!! Keep your voice down! Did you also know, that women are like a 3 in one bar? Made up of the visible you, the spiritual you and a third ignorant, arrogant blonde, bitchy you. Men love the third you, that’s how we manage to get into your pants. Did you also know that for every 3 ladies, there are only 2 men? Ever wondered why? Take away the monks, priests and the celibates and you will realize you have a serious problem in your soft hands. Oh, and did you know that in some ancient cultures, child birth was such a revered concept that men believed that all women were gods? The women consequently sat on thrones while the
men toiled for and served them at their behest? Those cultures are now ancient. Do you know how or why?

Ladies, please gather round. Now, listen very carefully, the forces of this world, working in tandem with the men have formed an eternal alliance whose sole objective is the perpetual subjugation of the female species. Why? How can you ask me such a dumb question!!? It’s because we realize the power you wield within, the mystical female intuition, the ever persistent female perseverance, even in the face of fatal suffering! We know only too well that soon as you realize how powerful you really are, then men will be doomed to revert to their preapportioned
slice of purpose, at your service.

So why am I telling you this, jeopardizing all the unfair advantages that both me and my fellow hombres so greedily savor? Well, I will only tell you this for now; I have discovered a secret. Long hidden in the most unusual of places. With this secret, it is actually possible for humans to restore the natural balance that the forces of creation destined us to have. Best part is, no one will feel like the pendulum is swinging in one direction only, and we will all live happily ever after.

Not so fast ladies. To begin with, I have to know that I can trust you. I need assurance that once the balance is restored you will not turn into vicious vengeful elves and throw us into the lions’ dungeons. Can I trust you? Your starry deceptive eyes convey a girlish innocence which threatens to tempt me into easy submission. And for the promise of a few minutes of unadulterated ecstatic sensual pleasure, I could also easily blurt out the secret. A drop of some unknown brain numbing concoction into my drink could also do the trick. But it’s a risk I have to take. Let me remind you that any sinister options you take could simply reverse the roles and the world will remain the same dreary mess that we all love to hate.

I have to go now but I will stay in touch. We meet at this same place, same day next week and we will start the process of healing for this cruel world. Long live the woman!

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Lawrence is the guy next door; A young, aspirational Kenyan gentleman; But most of all, a romantic soul in search of true love.